English Kings on Advertising.

I don’t have a lot of knowledge about English kings. It’s one of those subjects I’d really have to bone up on if I ever make it to Jeopardy! I have a hard time telling the Plantagenets from the Anjous from the Tudors from the Stuarts.

Aethelred the Unready. Woefully unprepared for marauding Danes.

That said, one thing I really appreciate about English monarchies was what today we would call a “naming convention.”

A lot of their kings they didn’t just call by name, they attached a little epithet that really helps matters.

There was, for instance:

• ·      Ethelred the Unready
• ·      Harold Harefoot
• ·      William the Bastard
• ·      Henry the Young King
• ·      Richard the Lion Heart

And many more.

Think of how much easier life would be if we in advertising adopted this way of naming.

We could have:

• ·      Fred the Jargon Spewer
• ·      Margaret the Complication Maker
• ·      Alphonse the Ad Thief
• ·      Rob the Credit Stealer
• ·      Vernon the Cowardly
• ·      Ezra the Bombastic

I could go on for hours.

Facts.

As half the civilized world is flying to Austin, Texas for a event called "South by Southwest," I think it would be nice to organize a competing event called "Accountable by Accountablewest."

Here's how my event would work.

We would monitor the speeches and seminars at SXSW and in real-time call out, underscore and debunk the inaccuracies.

Just yesterday someone came to my desk to talk about a prospective pitch.

"Book readership is down," he said.

"How do you know?" I replied.

"Well, surely people aren't reading as much as they used to. They're reading websites and tweets."

"How do you know?" I replied.

Here's my point, and I've only said this about 32 million times. In this Internet of Things, whatever that means, there's no reason to ever present the one true way, a scurrilous inaccuracy as a fact. You can look anything up and find evidence. It's only slightly harder than blurting know-it-all-isms, also known as "insights."  Since 2005, for instance, the number of books published in the US has more than tripled. Surely publishers aren't publishing books to lose money. Someone must be reading them.

My point is simple.

Talk is cheap.

In any event, I thought about these lines from a wonderful WH Auden poem.

For some reason they came to the front this morning.

If I Could Tell You

Time will say nothing but I told you so
Time only knows the price we have to pay;
If I could tell you I would let you know. 

Bullshit.

If you’re in advertising and you want to produce good work that works, one of the first talents you must develop is that of being a bullshit detector.

You have to be able to spot bullshit.

Avoid bullshit.

Banish bullshit.

And call bullshit.

There’s just so much bullshit and all it really does is promote distrust between a brand and a consumer. Further, I have to believe that except in the case of near monopoly offerings, like airlines, cable TV/internet providers, cellular ‘service,’ and a few others, most people, at least most people who are awake, will try to avoid buying stuff from liars, cheats and swindlers.

My bullshit sensor is pretty powerful and there are days and weeks at a time that sitting in a meeting and going over a deck is like chewing tin foil. When sitting through a creative presentation is like shaving with a cheese grater. And when hearing about engaging consumers is like having a rectal root canal.

I think most consumers are not stupid.

I think most of them know that commercials, ads, banners, tweets, press releases, sponsorships, hot air balloons, and the like are done out of the goodness of no one’s heart.  

I think most people know that brands are not their friends. They might do good for them, they might even do good things in the world, but they’re not acting as a friend would. They exist to enrich their shareholders.

I think most consumers understand these things. They understand the difference between brands and their friends.

But brands go on pretending they’re our friends rather than they want to be paid for what they do for us.

Bullshit.

Doing vs. Spewing.

It is perhaps most apparent in America's political institutions.

Our House and Senate no longer do things. Our congressmen and senators no longer make laws, they make sound bites. They feed the sound bite machines that beam us a constant stream 24/7 banality.

They no longer work.

They spew.

Agencies, too, have been afflicted by the Rise of the Guru class.

They issue.

They pontificate.

They theorize.

They spew.

Do they make work better, smarter, stronger or faster?

No.

What they do is pee in your pool.

They're part of overhead and overthink and overwrought.

I'll make this as simple as I know how.

Everyone in an agency should be involved in making ads.

Everyone should have their own assignments where they create, sell and produce.

Of course, agencies need oversight, the same way baseball players need managers.

But the proof of the pudding is in the doing, not in the spewing.

If you want show how to do something, do something.

Don't just talk about it.

After all, the line isn't "Just Spew it."

A dark view. (Sorry.)

I'm starting to think very dark thoughts about the advertising industry and its future.

I'm starting to think that the "Creative Revolution" incited by Bill Bernbach and spread through his acolytes like Ally, Scali, McCabe, Lois, Ammirati, Riney, Gossage, Chiat, Clow, Hayden, etc. was merely an anomaly, like a traffic-free highway or responsive customer service.

I'm starting to think that we've learned nothing from the past.

We have separated once again art-directors and copywriters. "George, can you send me a line for xxx?"

We have added superfluity in design where there used to be only clarity of purpose.

We have made things complicated instead of simple.

We shout brashly instead of persuade gently.

We once again are treating people like idiots, dumbing both our style and substance down to neanderthal levels.

We afflict the afflicted and comfort the comfortable.

We chase after shiny objects.

We spew crap like Vesuvius spewed magma.

This isn't being nostalgic about the past.

It's being avid about doing good work.

About reaching consumers and moving and persuading them.

It's about wanting to have an important job.

A job that's not about producing more pixels, but instead being of more importance to clients.

I can't help but thinking of the last few lines of Bob Levenson's obituary, which appeared in "The New York Times,"on January 17, 2013.

"Mr. Levenson elucidated his philosophy of copywriting, which was, at bottom, epistolary.

"When he was asked how he wrote copy for all those Volkswagen ads, he said 'I always started by writing Dear Charlie, like writing to a friend. And then I would say what I had to say, and at the end I would cross our Dear Charlie, and I was all right.'"

We are not scientists.

Powerpoint is bullshit.

We are talking to humans.

We should try to be human.

Quotation of the day.

From a lovely compatriot.

"I like account people. I just never know what to tip them."

Two company emails.

Just yesterday I received two company emails.

One asked if I'd like to join the "Fun Committee." It read:

Do you enjoy fun?

Do you enjoy helping others have fun?

Do you specifically enjoy planning fun things for your coworkers?

If you answered yes, then you should join the FUN COMMITTEE!!  We’ll need party planners, decorators, idea people, beer lovers, wine likers, even a treasurer and a secretary. Please email me directly about joining.

The other told me that I'd be charged $3/month for a paper accounting of my corporately-mandated corporate card. I could avoid these charges if I switched to e-accounting.

I've decided to switch to e-accounting.

And to join the FUN COMMITTEE!

Here are the first ten things I will do.

1. There will be balloons.

2. And streamers.

3. Twinkies in the candy machine.

4. Mandatory Smile Tuesday!

5. Smiley-face stickers on laptops.

6. Inter-office "whoopie" cushions.

7. Outings to local brothels and methadone clinics.

8. Guess the bonus! (Like guessing the number of jelly beans in a jar, we will guess the size of Michael Roth's bonus.)

9. Summer Fridays. (We will close at 7 on said days.)

10. Pool toys.

On loyalty and fear.

Yesterday I wrote a pretty caustic post about the shortage of raises and the surfeit of reasons why there are no raises.

What's really happened in our industry isn't about money, I think. It's about loyalty.

For whatever reason the notion of loyalty symbiosis has crumbled.

You are meant to be loyal to your company.

But your company doesn't return the courtesy.

You see this every night around 8 when people are still in the office.

You see it on weekends when you get 37 emails from people working.

You see it repeatedly from people pushing hard to make work better and thereby help the agency and the client they work for.

What you don't often see, I think, is reciprocation.

Where good effort is rewarded with good treatment.

Or people are treated with kindness.

I have been with Interpublic shops for nearly 15 years. Most of those years in very senior capacities. Would it have killed my agency to reassure me or my wife when I was hospitalized last summer? To admonish me to take the time off that I needed?

Maybe that's old-fashioned.

It's something I search for because I am a child of a different, kinder era.

But I think when the book is closed on the "new Gilded Age" of the late 90s, the Oughts and the teens, historians will talk of the balance of power tilting far in the favor of capital and away from labor.

I think such a bias is short-sighted, mean-spirited and ultimately costs more than treating people well.

Loyalty is a two-way street.

Otherwise it's not loyalty.

It's fear.

And no good comes of fear.

44 reasons you won't get a raise this year.

Years ago I heard a joke about a new arrival in a large prison. It's lights-out and everyone is settled into their beds when a few cells away someone shouts out "117!" At this everyone laughs heartily. Moments later, someone yells "68!" and again everyone laughs. Then someone calls "32!" and laughter ensues.

The new prisoner is baffled by this behavior and asks his cellmate what's going on. His cellmate replies, we've all been here so long, to save time we've numbered our jokes.

"That's great," says the new prisoner and mustering up his courage, he yells out "55!" Not a sound. "91!" no one laughs.

The new prisoner asks his cellmate why, and his cellmate replies, "You told them wrong."
---
In any event, it's raise season. To save us all a lot of trouble, I numbered all the reasons you won't be getting more money this year.


1. Salaries are frozen.
2. You didn't produce a lot.
3. You produced a lot but didn't win awards.
4. You produced a lot, won awards, but not the big awards.
5. You produced a lot, won awards, including big awards, but didn't bring in new business.
6. You brought in new business but not a lot of revenue.
7. You brought in new business and a lot of revenue but the business isn't winning awards.
8. You brought in award-winning new business and a lot of revenue and that business is winning awards, but the margins aren't great.
9. The account you're in didn't grow.
10. The account you're in grew but its margin wasn't great.
11. Your account did well but your group didn't.
12. Your group did well but your department didn't.
13. Your group and department did well but the agency didn't.
14. Your group, department and agency did well, but our international offices didn't.
15. Everyone did well, but our margins were off.
16. Everyone did well, but we didn't win awards.
17. Everyone did well, but [another agency in the holding company] didn't.
18. Everyone did well, but the stock price is in the toilet.
19. Everyone did well, but the holding company is carrying a lot of debt.
20. You had a great year but the agency stumbled.
21. You had a great year but we're feeling pressure from the Ukrainian situation.
22. You've had a great year but there are other people who haven't had raises in four years.
23. You're already paid more than _______.
24. Our business model is under pressure.
25. Our business model is in great shape but we're anticipating a tough 2014.
26. We're good through 2014 but we're anticipating a tough 2015.
27. We're anticipating a tough 2016.
28. A lot of clients are cutting back.
29. Our costs are rising faster than revenue.
30. We've yet to replace losses through ____ and ______.
31. Our freelance expenditure was through the roof.
32. We're being impacted by industry consolidation.
33. Our real estate costs are sky high.
34. You had a bad 360-review.
35. You had a good 360-review but reviews don't matter.
36. You had a good 360-review except for some comments from a junior media director.
37. We're investing more in other departments.
38. We moved you to a three-year cycle.
39. The economy is soft.
40. Our holding company forecasts are soft.
41. Our agency forecast is soft.
42. We anticipate tightening client revenues.
43. The economy is soft due to the polar vortex.
44. Some planned revenue didn't materialize.

Dear 4A's.

Dear American Association of Advertising Agencies or Dear C-Level Executives at Major Agencies or Dear Head of Holding Companies Who Earn $26 Million Per Annum.

My friend and ex-partner who's been discriminated out of the business for being "old" in his mid-50s, pointed this sitelet out to me. It's called in memoriam and features photos of noted movie people who died in 2013.

Click through a few people, try to think about their contribution or even the era in which they worked. Click. Click. Click. Just about every three or five clicks you get an ad. You can see something new from a Korean conglomerate. Or how to save 15% from JC Penney.

Have we become so avariciously consumerist that even "content" as solemn as tributes to the dead need to be plastered with ads? Does everything from the asses on women's sweat pants to the back of my Metrocard have to have an ad? Is there no decency? No sense of boundaries? No sense of restraint?

We have already turned our most hallowed days into occasions for a mattress sale.

If JFK were shot today, would we have Assassination Specials?

John Updike once said that the problem with modern America is that there is no sense of "Enough." We are driven for more of everything. See the new anti-French Cadillac commercial praising the accumulation of More. We want more stuff. More money. More apartments. More cars. More drugs. More girls. More adipose. More success. More money. More money. More money. More money. More money. More money. More money. More money. More money. More money. More money. More money. More money. More money. More money. More money. More money. More money. More money. More money. More money. More money. More money. More money. More money. More money. More money. More money.

We need, as advertisers, to start saying Enough. 

Enough to greed.

Enough to crass.

Enough.