Take my HENNI, please!

For the last 36 months, give or take a few months, I have been taking night classes—online and off—at the New York Institute of Artificial Intelligence. I’ve been working to learn the fundamentals of computer science as it pertains to AI. And while I have no special scientific aptitude, I have been hard at work creating a High-Energy Non-Neural Interface. AKA HENNI.

To cut to the chase, I’ve worked tirelessly with HENNI, and have carted him to comedy clubs all over the city. HENNI has ingested the jokes—and the timing—of over 200 different comedians. My idea has been to implement  my own Artificially Responsive Gag Hardware (ARGH). That is, a machine that can do stand-up comedy.

With HENNI on stage at “Catch a Rising Bot,” I transcribed HENNI’s act:

HENNI:

The other day, a doctor said to his patient, “I have bad news and worse news. The bad news is you only have 24 hours to live.”

His patient replies: “That’s terrible! How could the news possibly be worse?”

The doctor says: “I’ve been trying to contact you since yesterday.”

HENNI:

Thank you, thank you. Please be seated.

HENNI:

Hey you look like a smart crowd—here’s a question for you.

What kind of murderer has moral fiber? 

A cereal killer!

HENNI:

Thank you, thank you. Please be seated.

HENNI:
What do you get when you cut a human comedian in two?

A half-wit.

HENNI:

Thank you, thank you. Please be seated.

HENNI:
Here's a technology one for you...
A SQL query walks into a bar and sees two tables.
He walks up to them and says, “Can I join you?”

HENNI:

Thank you, thank you. Please be seated.

HENNI:
Did I ever tell you about my Uncle who died from drinking furniture polish?

He had a horrible death, but a lovely finish.

HENNI:

Thank you, thank you. Please be seated.

HENNI:
Thank you. You’re a lovely crowd. Get home safe.

HENNI:

Hey, anybody here from Jersey? 

How’s it feel to wear shoes?

HENNI:

Thank you, thank you. Please be seated.

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