Friday, December 16, 2022

Our Second-Annual Third-Annual Ad Aged Holiday Gift Guide. Executive Edition.

With the holidays just around the corner, it's time for the second edition of Ad Aged's Third Annual Holiday Gift Guide. 

Expertly curated for maximum insincerity and disappointment, our Gift Guide will be sure to displease even the hard-to-displease. 

And because Holding Company CE-Hos know that every employee is a cost-center, and accordingly deemed: naughty, we've got more coal than Joe Manchin in our runny stockings.

Ad Aged Exclusive: "Agency-of-the-Year" Starter Kit. How can your agency possibly be considered a contender for the coveted and meaningless "Agency-of-the-Year," title without an equally coveted and meaningless box of broken trophies? With over 30 trophies included, they gleam and glisten. 

Best of all, like your agency, they're not only a tale told by an idiot, they signify absolutely nothing!  Our AoY Starter Kit is millions of dollars cheaper than chartering a plane of do-nothing executives to Cannes, and almost as grotesque. $575.

Ad Aged Exclusive: GPT-3 AI-Powered Meaningless Title Generator. It's all-the-rage this holiday season and as cost-effective as switching your agency over to "hot-desking." The GPT-3 Meaningless Title Generator answers that age-old question, why give raises when you can just give someone a meaningless title? 

But the days of racking your brain to come up with a suitable title are over--with our exclusive AI-powered whiz. Suddenly, an ACD who hasn't seen a penny increase in salary in seven years is Director of Below-the-Line Creative Stasis or Status Quo Modulator and you've saved yourself--and your shareholders thousands. In just seconds, someone gets a title in lieu of something that can actually pay the rent, and you're off to St. Barth's enjoying the savings. Bon voyage! $1499.

The "How Do I End This Spot?" Expediter. The perfect gift for your favorite hard-working and hard-shirking creative team. Now when presenting storyboards to clients and the client asks, "How can we really convey that people are happiest when they've wrapped their sandwich in genuine Saran Wrap, from Dow Chemical, the makers of Napalm™ and other fine defoliants, from SC Johnson, a family company," your creatives are ready with 101 storyboard ready shots of people dancing. You'll get more than a way to end your latest spot, you'll get a handy way to end your career as well. $1999.

Also available for an additional $575, the cool tatted guy who's discovered your brand, proving you're cool, too.

The "Tip-Top Quadrant Map." For some companies the top, right quadrant is as elusive as Valhalla or the Elysian Fields--a mystical place that's nearly impossible to get to. 

Not anymore! 

With this hand-drawn depiction of your company as a customizable dot in a set of four boxes you can design to mean anything you could conceivably wish for, you and your company are top-quadrant bound for glory. 

Best use of data? Fastest to adopt the Metaverse? Most-progressive in Diversity Hiring? Why dilly-dally with facts when you can place yourself in the top quadrant no matter what you're measuring or what you're not measuring. Only $2175.

[Multi-hued dots indicating your competitors' woeful position relative to yours, only $225/dot.]

The Shape of Decks to Come Geometry Kit.
Picture this: It's late, and your cast of 16 unsupervised 25-year-olds is only 97 pages into the requisite 175-page new business deck. Fortunately, they have access to the Shapes of Decks to come. 

All at once page 38 can be enhanced by the patented Rhombus of Responsibility®.  

Rhombi of Responsibility®.

While page 88 features the soon-to-be-popular Trapezoid of Trust®.

Trapezoid of Trust®.

And, lest we forget, The Shapes of Decks to Come Geometry Kit also includes our famous Bow Tie of Bollocks, the Mobius of Masturbation and our exclusive Funnel of Fungicide

Order your set today for just $8759, and you'll receive not one, but two Parallelograms of Perseveration®, yours to keep, no matter how much you think about them.

The Bow Tie of Bollocks®.

The Mobius of Masturbation®.

Funnel of Fungicide®.

Parallelogram of Perseveration®.

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