Wednesday, January 4, 2023

The Future Ain't What it Used to Be.

  • An agency will win an award for an ad that actually runs. Even odder, that award will run the 50-yard-dash.

  • Mark Read and David Droga will be photographed smiling. The photos will look identical to pictures of them scowling. 

  • For just $8/month, Twitter will give you a MyPillow with a blue checkmark on it.

  • DNA analysis will reveal that Marjorie Taylor Greene, Seth Green and Lorne Greene all have a common ancestor: the Jolly Green Giant.

  • Chat GPT will be renamed Khat KPT--the Kardashian years.

  • IPG will re-brand bagels as "Circular Agency-Culture Bread." 

  • With every account loss, BBDO will add another B to its name and DDB will add another D. They will end the year BBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBDO and DDDDDDDDDDDDB.

  • The two Omnicom agencies will later merge becoming BBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBDDDDDDDDDDDDO.

  • Burger King's moldy whopper will become America's best-selling pathogen. "Would you like to Salmonella-ize that for just 99-cents™" becomes the QSR's new tagline.

  • A CMO for Pepsi will keep their job long-enough to have announced they got the job.

  • A world-wide balloon shortage cripples the auto industry as sale-a-brations and -athons grind to a halt.

  • Greta Thunberg is arrested in Cannes having torpedoed 19 agency yachts and causing a 14-mile-wide Rosé-wine slick.

  • Sam Bankman-Fried will raise billions of dollars selling Crypto-Ampersands, propelling yet another wave of agency merger-mania.

  • Hemorrhaging billions because no one wants to wear Oculus VR headsets, Zuck redesigns the headsets into underwear. Boxulus VR dominates the Metaverse.

  • A nuclear deal is made. In return for disarmament, Cracker Jacks will change its name to Cracker-Jongs and include a North Korean ballistic missile as the prize inside. 

  • Ad Agency Crispin will disrupt the world again by creating a non-fossil-fuel car that runs solely on Kraft Mac 'n Cheese. Trouble follows because the car gets only two-infarctions per gallon.

  • Home Depot will change its name to Home Despot, continuing its support of authoritarian political candidates.

  • IBM and IHOP will merge, becoming the International House of Business Pancakes.

  • In an effort to further reduce overhead, agencies will switch from 'hot desking' to 'magma desking.' Their new tagline? “Get burned at work.”  

  • The industry reaches "peak award" when the Ozempic jingle wins the "Best Original Song," in the Internal Bleeding and Heart Failure category at the Grammys.

  • 42% of commercials will feature Kevin Hart. 39% of commercials will feature people dancing. 11% of commercials will exhort people to 'hurry in, these savings can't last.' And 61% of commercials will feature all three.

  • Half of all commercials featuring celebrities will feature celebrities who people over 50 can't 'pick out of a lineup.'
  • 18% of all commercials will say, 'you be you,' and not a single person will be.

  • Those stupid ads for GeorgeCo., LLC, a Delaware Company will be written exclusively by AI. 

  • Outside of the improvement, no one will be able to tell the difference.


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