After my return from my week not-off, I was feeling a little poorly. Usually, I work through these feelings. But overcome by a spell of dizziness, I sat in my second favorite chair and watched a bit of TV instead.
As Newton Minow might have said, "oy vey."
To keep occupied, I started annotating the "plots" of the commercials I saw. Not every commercial--just the ones that made me feel even more dour about the future of humanity than watching a Dancing With the Stars promo does.
The premises are bad. The writing is worse. The music and mixes are ear-splitting and the relentlessness of ten or twelve commercials in a pod should be illegal.
I think we've forgotten--as an industry--the consumer is not a moron. I think we've forgotten how to treat viewers with respect. I think we've forgotten we're uninvited guests into people's homes. Instead, we show up and puke.
A woman is taking pictures with her cellphone. An eagle flies by, steals the phone, so they chase after it with their KIA SUV.
An ex-football player is teaching a college class in English lit assisted by another football player, but it's all ok because football is lit.
A drug helps mitigate the effects of AIDS but maybe it doesn't under about twenty conditions all of which are said aloud at about 200 words-a-minute.
DSSV Dampers, NT Tires, off-road performance display HD in the Chevy ZR2 family of trucks.
Surreal impact from false eyelashes from Maybelline.
Whole Foods makes you life-ready and wallet happy.
Luxury that lets you feel infinitely you, for Lexus SUVs.
A woman is made into a sandwich falls asleep on a giant slice of bread and is then covered by falling slices of turkey, then lettuce and tomato for Oscar Mayer.
Whistling and clapping and 50% savings on motorization at Blinds 2 Go.
Halloween commercials for Kit-Kat. Something about an eight-year-old.
Beautyrest black mattress for body and mind restoration including a mattress on a cliff overlooking the ocean with black satin sheets and a blonde model wearing lingerie. Wind blowing..
Want your clothes to smell freshly washed all-day without heavy perfumes?
It's your journey. Own every mile.
Two football players watching football in their neighbor's house from the hedges.
You're watching football wrong. People tackling TVs and TVs on the back of pickups that fall when the truck pulls out. With painted faces.
Why do dermatologists choose Dove? Hydration.
White tires that match the Michelin logo set to bad music. So the world can move in better ways. Motion for life.
Spectrum advanced wifi. You can set it up with an app! And rename devices!
Lin Manuel Miranda. Horses on beaches. People dancing. With travel this inspiring, you're with Amex.
Help life underwater flourish. Dell.
When you use period pads for bladder leaks. You turn into a flailing mermaid.