Read. The Manual.

Not by Bosch, b'gosh.

                

Listen up, creator.

The company I lead bought you and all your creations, primarily with other people's money. Even though I've never been in the human-creation business before and know nothing about it, I do know that our profits ain't maximized--they never are. If me and my small coterie of rich know-nothings are to walk away at the end of all this with massive amount of our, not other people's money, there are going to have to be some changes made. Big changes. 

First, we have to figure out a way to increase our margins. And then increase the margins on our increased margins. Looking at you, you have way too many parts. That's costly, and there's no need for all that excess. Your very construction is costing me money.

Like, why two nostrils and two eyes? That seems a waste. Add to that a brain with two lobes and two separate ears. This is just stupid. I know people like having all that stuff--I know people trust and believe in all that stuff. But this is costing us profit. Why do we need snot and earwax and saliva? Waste.

Ergo: Mergers. Consolidation. Smooshination.

Meet the Nostreye. A combination eye and nose. No long will we have separate seeing and smelling apparati. We have a new, more agile entity, and we'll run it out of Kansas City, where office space is cheap. No more high-rent brains. We'll be combining the neuron-functions of your back-office. It will be much more effective. You know, cheaper. 

Next, the brouth. We'll combine the brain and the mouth. That will reduce the costs of expensive parts and eliminate any delay between thinking and speaking. Now we can make baseless assertions unabashedly, like "it's all about data," or "programmatic is everything," or "AI will make advertising more effective," or we can spout meaningless-isms like "borderless creativity." So what, there's no evidence of the efficacy of any of this, if the brouth says it, it must be true. Because because.

Formerly, humans had two ears. What for? An unnecessary cost for those who harken back to the eighties and believe in listening. You know Denisovians and Neanderthals. Listening to clients and to the needs of people, pish. We don't need ears at all. We don't need to listen at all. It's an AI-future and a predictive algorithm can tell us all we need to hear and all we need to know. And then make it for us at virtually no cost. (We don't pay for ideas. Old fashioned. We steal them, a la mode.)

Besides, without ears, we save money. We'll still keep the word ear, of course, but we'll fold its operations and bottom-line into another body part--and that will save us even more money. Friends, behold the rectear. An ass combined with former listening devices. The better to hear asses with.

See what we've done?

We can no longer sense the world around us with any acuity. We've virtually eliminated all humanity and empathy. And we've saved scads of money--which we can plough into our salaries and more data and AI, giving the impression that via buying various houses of cards, we can prevent our house of cards from collapsing. 

Now we can send ceaseless messages that people deem boring and irrelevant ceaselessly. Can't you see the wonderful efficiency of it all. Look at our margins! So what that our clients have lost billions of equity in brands they've built over decades and decades. We've improved their next-quarter margins.

Next, what's with the two arms and two hands? Waste times two. Machines can do most of the work--and better than humans ever could. Why by a Biedermeier when you can have an Ikea. We'll leave our "people" with just one arm and one hand for filling out timesheets and fake award entries. How else can they show their creativity?

Same with legs and feet. We'll get rid of one and we'll still have a "leg to stand on."

That's a little appendage joke. 

Wait, what do you mean that as a result of these constructive and intelligent business transformation changes we're half the size we were three years ago? We haven't won a piece of new business in a decades? And clients are defecting in droves? So what we're about to sell off the few remaining constituent parts that have a scintilla of value left.

So what! 

Didn't you see me holding up a trophy in the south of France, going to sleep in my stateroom in my rented yacht, and working with my attorneys to make sure, after all my work, I receive at least a $100,000,000's worth of parting gifts, a seven-figure salary in-perpetuity, and I get to turn over the company I saved/eviscerated to someone with even sharper talons to continue the vulturing I advanced with such skill. 

Now, as they say, "let's see what real transformation looks like."