If. Then.

 

If they say it's free, then you shouldn't have to watch two commercials and be hit with three credit card offers to get it.

If they say they're award-winning, then they shouldn't have had to pay for the award. And fewer than forty-in-fifty should also win awards.

If they say, 'you're family,' then their attrition rate--voluntary and involuntary combined--should be less than ten-percent.

If they say 'vote for us,' then ninety-percent of their communications with you shouldn't be about you giving them money.

If they market themselves as an award-show, then public voting and asking people to vote for your entry shouldn't be a part of it.

If they say they're a 'trusted growth partner for the world's leading brands, then they should also be growing.

If they believe in creativity, then they should hire creatives and put creatives in charge.

If they boast that they've won 'network of the year,' then they should be forthcoming about their financial metrics, not just the awards they won. 

If they offer "high-speed internet," then it should be faster than dial-up at least twenty-percent of the time.

If they have a "complaint line," then you shouldn't have to fill-out ten-minutes worth of forms (so they can data-collect) before you can make a complaint.

If a company claims "they're for people like you," then they should have to prove they know who you are.

If "your call is important," then they should hire people to answer those calls.

If "your call is important," then the people answering those call should be able to address the problem you're calling about.

If your platform is upgraded, then you should have the option not to accept the upgrades--which are usually just new things the platform wants to sell you.

If a company with a $2.8 trillion market cap boasts they're devoting $20 million to combat climate change, then they should have to disclose that that's merely .00000714 of their worth. (Like someone making $300,000 giving $2.14 for a cause they're promoting.)

If a waiter asks you 'how's everything tasting?' rather than saying 'how does your meal taste?', then they should tell you why they're using the gerundive.

If a hotel mini-bar charges you $7 for a can of Coke, then they should give you $7 if you steal a can from the conference you're attending and re-stock the mini-bar.

If you pay for  service and something is missing from it (there's no restroom in the cabin on my flight) then you should receive a refund.

If you dent your car, then you should be able to snap off the dented piece and replace it like a Lego block. Replacing a dented fender should be like eating around the bruise in a banana.

If you're a pundit and make serial predictions, then you should be required to publish your hit rate. Especially if you work in advertising.

If you write a list like this, then you should be prepared to be considered a doofus.