My Uncle, Morris "Slappy" Tannenbaum was, until recently a Rabbi at a small synagogue in New York City, a tiny east side shul call Beth Youiz Miwo Mannow. What follows are Morris' thoughts. Ad Aged abjures all responsibility.
Morris' post:
When I hear about the all the tsuris in the world--all the news from far-flung capitals I always wonder, what would it be like if I lived there? Could a get a nice bagel in the morning?
I hear about the horrible earthquake and after shocks in Haiti. A car-bombing in Kabul. Genocide in the Congo and then I ask myself, "Are there any bagel shops in Port au Prince? Could I get a schmear near here?"
Such musings have led me to formulate a theory. The further you live from a nice bagel, the less happy you are. Y=you. DfB=distance from bagel. H(Happiness)=y/DfB. Or, to put it pragmatically, I live about .25 miles from Holey Moley, the bagel shop in my neighborhood. So 1/.25=4. So for me, H=4.
Now if you live in Khandahar, I figure you live a good 2,000 miles from a decent bagel. So your Happiness quotient would be 1/2000=H or a happiness quotient of .00005.
I'm not saying bagels lead to happiness, but as my theorem above illustrates, they don't exactly hurt.
...unless $=0. So, where $=1 or $=0, the new formula would be:
ReplyDeleteH=Y/Dfb*$
~Graham
In Oakland, where I live, and Berkeley, where I hang, there is not a decent bagel to be found.
ReplyDeleteTwo Sundays ago, boiling over with frustration, I decided to drive into San Francisco to pick up some bagels (there's a place on Townsend Street where the bagels actually have some texture to them.)
When I got there, the place was closed.
So I drove to Berkeley where there is a bagel place that will do in a pinch. All they had were cinnamon and blueberry bagels. Not even a fucking plain bagel.
You see what we have to put up with out here?
George,
ReplyDeleteMorris knows best. Darn, now that I think of it, all the best times in my life have been connected to having good bagel shops in the neighborhood.
I'm awed by this wisdom. Must go see what's left of this weekend's bagels in the kitchen...
Regards,
Kelly
I live a couple of miles from what is reputed to be the best bagel bakery in Australia; if not the entire universe. I don't get it. Bagels are bland, chewy bread. What's so special about a bagel? I suggest that your uncle should get himself a life. Or a decent baguette. Happiness may then follow.
ReplyDeleteJape, please send me a few bagels.
ReplyDeleteMath always makes things more credible. Uncle Mo is a wise man, indeed. And I suppose there are related equations you could construct with pizza, seafood, burgers, etc. Kind of a Grand Convergence Theory of Cuisine.
ReplyDeleteJake P...."the unified 'bran' theory."
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