The Terms and Conditions published here, variously and synonymously referred to as terms and conditions, T&C, and Termites and Conditioners, shall hereby serve as Ad Aged’s Statement of Rights and Responsibilities, variously and synonymously referred to as Statement, Terms, or SRR, is our terms of service that governs our relationships with readers and other who interact with Ad Aged, as well as those who don’t depending on how much our legal team has been drinking on any particular afternoon. By using or accessing Ad Aged, you agree to this Statement, as updates from time to time in accordance to Section 91, codicil 13b below.
1. Privacy
Your privacy is very important to us. In fact, it’s so important we named your privacy Priscilla and just the other day sent it a dozen roses and a Whitman’s Sampler with the dark chocolate candy already eaten. At Ad Aged we believe in privacy, it’s one of our core values, at least for now, or until a new set of core values comes around, or we can make money selling your private information, whichever comes first. We encourage you to read our Data Policy and also Jean-Paul Sartre’s “Being and Nothingness,” neither of which is comprehensible.
2. Safety
We do our best to keep Ad Aged safe, but we can no more guarantee it than we can guarantee that Sir Launcelot will finish in the money in the 3rd race in Santa Anita. But we believe in your safety and care for it deeply. That said, your safety includes the following commitments from you:
1. You will look both ways when you cross the street.
2. You will throw out the plastic wrapping that comes from the dry cleaner.
3. You will use pot-holders even when just zapping a cup of water for tea.
4. You will cover your nose when you sneeze and or cough.
5. You will cover your friends’ nose when he/she/they/xe/xem/xyr cough and sneeze.
6. You will mind the gap.
7. Not that gap, get your mind out of the gutter.
8. You will avoid eating fish with lots of little bones.
9. You will not overcharge your iPhone.
10. You will not remove toast stuck in a toaster with a metal fork.
3. Protecting Other People's Rights
We respect other people's rights, and expect you to do the same.
We respect other people's rights, and expect you to do the same.
1. You will not post comments that knowingly contain alternate facts, cuss words, curse words, bad words, or ever, under any circumstances use the word turpitude, especially if you mean to say turpentine.
2. We can remove any content or information you post on Ad Aged if we believe it violates this Statement or our policies.
3. We can remove any content or information from your wallet, but probably no more than $20 at a time and you likely won’t even notice it missing.
4. We will provide you with tools to protect your intellectual property rights, though in your case the word intellectual makes as much sense as the word svelte does in describing Donald Trump’s posterior.
5. Hey! Look over there.
6. Fooled you once, shame on me.
7. Hey! Look over there.
8. Fooled you twice, shame on you.
4. Mobile and Other Devices
Reading Ad Aged is much easier on a mobile device like your phone than on an immobile device like a boulder, or, worse, my mother-in-law.
5. Payments
You can make a payment to Ad Aged at any time, provided you agree to ourPayments Terms, which basically state that you can make a payment to Ad Aged at any time, provided you agree to our Payments Terms.
You can make a payment to Ad Aged at any time, provided you agree to ourPayments Terms, which basically state that you can make a payment to Ad Aged at any time, provided you agree to our Payments Terms.
6. Your personal data
Ad Aged will never sell your personal data except when we can make money doing so. Your privacy is important to us, about as important as the global cotton candy shortage or what happens to the bacon grease you save in an old jar so it doesn’t clog up your pipes. If we can make money violating your rights, if we can annoy the fuck out of you, if we can parcel out bits of your private information, and sully you with lies and insinuation we will do so at every opportunity.
7. Ass-covering
WE TRY TO KEEP AD AGED UP, BUG-FREE, AND SAFE, BUT YOU USE IT AT YOUR OWN RISK. WE ARE PROVIDING AD AGED AS IS WITHOUT ANY EXPRESS OR IMPLIED WARRANTIES INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, IMPLIED WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY, FITNESS FOR A PARTICULAR PURPOSE, AND NON-INFRINGEMENT. WE DO NOT GUARANTEE THAT FACEBOOK WILL ALWAYS BE SAFE, SECURE OR ERROR-FREE OR THAT AD AGED WILL ALWAYS FUNCTION WITHOUT DISRUPTIONS, DELAYS OR IMPERFECTIONS. AD AGED IS NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR THE ACTIONS, CONTENT, INFORMATION, OR DATA OF THIRD PARTIES, AND YOU RELEASE US, OUR DIRECTORS, OFFICERS, EMPLOYEES, AND AGENTS FROM ANY CLAIMS AND DAMAGES, KNOWN AND UNKNOWN, ARISING OUT OF OR IN ANY WAY CONNECTED WITH ANY CLAIM YOU HAVE AGAINST ANY SUCH THIRD PARTIES.
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