2032 emails this week alone.

Due to recent events, we felt compelled to send you this note. We are compelled due to recent events to send you this note in which we will write about situations due to recent events. 

Due to recent events, we were compelled to send a note beginning with the words due to recent events because someone above us in our organization said they got a note from a company seven days ago that started with the words due to recent events and so shouldn’t we also send a note that starts out with the words due to recent events.

Our note would have gone out sooner, but due to recent events we’ve been incredibly busy sending out notes to our valued customers. All these many notes start with the words due to recent events. What’s more, due to recent events, it takes about 77 executives to approve this note, which is highly sensitive due to recent events.

Recent events lead us to say we’re doing everything we can to respond and to support you due to recent events. We realize that due to recent events, events, that is, that have recently eventuated, we are doing everything we can because, due to recent events, we are all in this together. 

Due to recent events, you are a) a valued customer; b) we care about you and c) we are all in this together. We are so together in these recent events and so empathic because we care about you as our valued customer due to recent events.

Once these recent events are no longer due, we will regard you as a) an unvalued customer; b) we will no longer care about you and c) we will no longer be in this together.

Due to recent events we are doing everything in our power to respond to these recent events and because we’re all facing these recent events together, we’re all in this together doing all we can to handle recent events during the trying times which have recently occurred.

Due to recent events we are doing all in our power to respond to these recent events as long as that power does not extend to actually doing anything substantive or anything that would cost us money or make a real commitment to trying to help our valued customers who are effected or affected we can’t be bothered to check which is semantically correct, because due to recent events we have laid off everyone who works for us except the c-level executives who, due to recent events have found new ways to profiteer, due to recent events.

As always, we thank you for your continued as always, and as always we remain as alwaysly yours.

Insincerely yours,
Very falsely yours,
And without gratitude,