Member has its privileges.

Dear Friends,

Let me start this quite simply.

I'm mortified.

Mortified that my trillionaire "handler" has decided to model his spaceship, Blue Orgasm, Blew Orgasm, or Orgasm Origin after me.

Yes, I'll admit.

I am a good-looking guy.

Cute. 

Very cute.

With a shiny dome, a nice helmet and a cute little smile. There was a time when I had an inside scoop on a lot of insides. And I've seen more than my share of $200 silk boxer shorts.

I made other penises eat their hearts out.

Because not only am I one very rich penis. 

I am very well endowed.

But to everything, there is a season. And there's a place for everything and everything in its place. So let's leave me where I belong. Not as some supernaturally-sized Anthony Wiener IRL dick pick.

I never wanted to be on a billion-dollar launching pad.

I never wanted a trip into any troposphere.

Outer space ain't my bag.

Inner space. That's where it's at.

So I'm sorry.

Sorry I made a spectpenile of myself. Sorry the whole world had to see me. Sorry the entire Eunuchverse had to see that bald fuck emerge from me wearing a ten-gallon all-hat-no-cowboy cowboy hat.

Look.

We're all compensating for something.

Some men have small cars with big engines. Some have giant pickup trucks with even gianter-tires. My boi needs a good psychotherapist like Jared Kushner needs skin-tone.

It's not me.

I'm fine.

It's him.

Sincerely yours,

Jeff's Pezos

(Jeff's Penis)

Portrait of the trillionaire as a young penis.