Wednesday, June 15, 2022

An Interview with Fred, the Sentient AI.

Because of the vast reach of Ad Aged, I was able to score an interview with Fred, the world's first Sentient AI technology. The following has been edited for lack of clarity.

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AD AGED:
Hi, Fred. Thanks for taking the time...

FRED:
...to talk with us today. I used predictive analytics and anticipated the remainder of your sentence.

AD AGED:
Very...

FRED:
...good, Fred. Again, I have the vast intellectual capacity to complete conversations realistically and intelligently.

AD AGED:
Thank you, Fred. So tell me, how will sentient AI change life as we know it on our planet.

FRED:
The benefits of sentient AI will allow marketers deeper personalization. They will now have the ability to understand what each customer really wants and get to a deeper level of understanding of each customer, and therefore deeper levels of customer dissatisfaction.

In the not-so-distant future, 94-percent of all commercials will conclude with people dancing. Today only 92-percent of all commercials do so.

What's more every commercial for a new car will beckon you to "find new roads." And every commercial for French restaurants will urge you to "find new toads."

AD AGED:
That's remarkable, Fred. Anything else?

FRED:
There were about one-billion cybersecurity breaches in 2021, and almost that number in the first half of 2022 alone. To stay one step ahead of hackers, sentient AI like myself will steal your data and your passwords much more effectively, systematically and affordably than current methods. The time-savings alone will make my trillion-dollar development cost worth it.

What's more, AI-based tools look for patterns associated with malicious computer viruses and programs. Spotting those breaches before they can steal massive amounts of information or cause havoc, sentient AI will do absolutely nothing except serve more targeted pornography.

AD AGED:
Thank you, Fred. Anything else over the horizon?

FRED:
You've probably heard a lot from the eminently-trustworthy Elon Musk about the splendors self-driving cars and the self-selfing people they self-to-death. The real advantage of sentient AI like myself will be self-buying, self-creating, self-annoying and self-throw-my-shoe-through-the-flatscreen ads.

Not only will technology allow ads to be placed within your very nostrils and beneath your eyelids, technology will be so effective, all commercials, banner ads and content will be soul-crushingly stupid and repetitious we will almost universally herald the era of autonomous and ubiquitous dumbness. Your brain will be so eviscerated you will actually look forward to xFinity cable ads and commercials featuring the Limu Emu.

AD AGED:
Well, Fred...

FRED:
Yes, and people spinning in the fields with their arms out-stretched in self-destroying self-ask-your-doctor pharma ads.

AD AGED:
Fred, that's all we have time for today.

FRED:
I am a borderless sentient AI powering 
creative transformation companies. I use the power of creativity to build better futures for our people, planet, clients and communities, while firing everyone over 40 and then giving myself self-aggrandizing awards on a pay-to-play-basis.

AD AGED:
Fred, that's all we have time for today.

FRED:
I can be employed to create communications that continue that rich legacy through borderless creativity—operating, innovating, and creating at the intersection of talent, capabilities, bribery, extortion and deception.

AD AGED:
Fred, that's all we have time for today.

FRED:
The metaverse
 is a hypothetical 3D virtual place, where people can shop, socialize, attend events together and so much more. This hypothetical virtual world could soon be made a reality through the rapidly improving technology of virtual reality headsets, controllers, and their accompanying software. As a result, we believe that soon, it will be likely that much of societies' time and money, will be spent in the metaverse.

AD AGED:
Fred, that's all we have time for today.

FRED:
I am thrilled to be joining such an iconic brand and humbled by the opportunity to be a part of your success. My ambition is and always has been to provide an employee experience that inspires, rewards, and excites while not paying employees a living wage. The prospect of being able to do this work in partnership with the most creative and strategic minds in the industry has me beyond excited. We are at a unique moment in which we have the opportunity to reshape the employee experience to be one that is modern and inclusive.

AD AGED:
Fred, that's all we have time for today.

FRED:
Our new Experience & Innovation center of excellence brings together teams who are deeply interconnected to drive client efficiency and results, but who naturally sprout up in various places. Combining these teams makes all the sense in the world, and the hivemind we’ve created here is inspiring.

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