Ad Aged: I’ve never heard of a Chief Guru Officer. We have five minutes.
Why don’t you describe what it is you do.
CGO: Do? Do? Please don’t use that word with me. It makes my skin crawl.
I’ve spent my career not doing anything.
Ad Aged: So how do you fill your days? What occupies your time?
CGO: I’d say 20% of my day is spouting. I say things like “the liquid media landscape shows no sign of solidifying.” “Leveraging dynamic synergies in off channel paradigms for greater pan-Geo efficiencies.”
Ad Aged: I see.
CGO: Then, I spend an equal amount of time showing up late to meetings. That means we have to repeat everything that’s been said. At which point I usually say, “I have a hard stop,” and leave.
I spend another 20% of my day talking about conferences I speak at and updating my Facebook so people can see how well I eat and how lavishly I travel. Gives non-Gurus something to aspire to.
Ad Aged: What else makes up your day?
CGO: About 30% of my time is given over to indecipherable feedback. “That’s deep but not uphill” is my current favorite. Or, “It needs to be more conventionally unconventional.” “We need to look at this through a traditional lens while keeping both feet firmly planted in the digital ecosystem.”
Ad Aged: A thing of beauty, I suppose.
CGO: But I spend most of my day looking off into the distance. I’d say 60% of my time. It usually helps to be backlit. Usually, when I’m looking off to the distance, and am properly backlit, I’ll refer to a campaign done decades earlier that may have won at Cannes that people should look at. I’ll say “look at the work CDP did for Poughkeepsie Electric! That should help.”
Ad Aged: That campaign helps provide inspiration and guidance?
CGO: No. It’s all completely made up. But it does let me leave at five.