Friday, September 14, 2018

Agency Lays-Off 100% of Staff in Broad Restructuring.

__________ Agency parted with its entire staff yesterday at its New York headquarters yesterday as part of the agency’s ongoing restructuring efforts.
“We are realigning our teams following some recent shifts in our business, which includes a small staffing reduction of approximately 100%. We remain confident in our new business momentum and in the strategic initiatives and investments we are making in the future of our no-longer existing business. We believe these efforts will allow us to better serve the ever-evolving needs of the clients we no longer have.”
A spokesperson continued in a statement, “Over the few months, we have been proactively strengthening our agency offering, while making strategic investments and investments strategically to attract talent, particularly attractive talent, and build capabilities that align with the evolving needs of evolving—and revolving—modern marketers. As part of this ongoing restructuring, we have made the difficult decision to entirely eliminate our staff, completely right-sizing for today’s market exigencies.”
From the grand-salon of a holding company yacht, a corporate spokesperson said, “These decisions are never easy, and we are doing everything we can to support and completely sever ties with the 100% of our staff who have been impacted. As we build toward the data-driven, blockchained, AI'd, unskippable, six-second, hyper-local, dynamically-optimized, programmatic and media-agnostic social-first digital future, we remain laser-focused on unpacking and delivering transformational business models, shareable user-experiences and market-shaping results at speed for our non-existent clients.
“This transitioning into non-viability is part of our continuing efforts to lean-in and remain irrelevant and obscure. This latest move reflects the success of those endeavors.”


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