"The large print giveth and the small print taketh away."*

*Thanks to my friend Tom Waits for the title above.

"The power of accurate observation is often called cynicism by those who haven't got it."  --George Bernard Shaw

WHAT BRANDS CARE ABOUT.	WHAT YOU CARE ABOUT.
Agree to our cookie policy.	Please don’t track me.
Talking one-on-one with “targets.”	Why are you wishing me ‘happy birthday’?
Customer experience is everything.	Why am I on hold for 27-minutes when I need help?
5-G will change everything.	I still don't get reception in my apartment.
You’re friends and family.	You treat me like shit.
Endless breadsticks.	Endless reflux.
We’re telling brand stories.	I don’t care about brand stories.
We will tailor offers based on your browsing history.	You left off the part where you’ll sell my data over and over and over to anyone and everyone who’s willing to pay for it for your profit and my detriment.
We care about the world.	You advertise on climate-change-denying networks.
We support sustainability.	Except when it comes  to your own production and packaging.
We support women.	Except those employed in our Asian factories.
We believe in culture.	You mean free bagels  on Fridays.
The right message to the right person  at the right time.	I wish you would leave me alone.
Brand ambassadors.	Salespeople.
Influencers.	Salespeople.
_____________ is dead.	You make no money selling ________.
Ask your doctor.	You mean the doctor who's being paid by your pharmaceutical company?
Real people.	Real people  bribed by exorbitant  residual payments.
We follow best practices.	You’re the same as everyone else.
Consumers are in control.	So long as we do things your way.
The consumer is in charge.	As long as we agree with you.
It is our pleasure to serve you.	It is our pleasure to sever you.
“Following guest, please!”	Get your ass over here. We need to keep the line moving.
We care about your business.	We care about your money.
Professional driver, closed course.	You will always be stuck in traffic and hitting potholes.
Void where prohibited.	Prohibited wherever you are.
Terms and conditions apply.	Yours will be more expensive and less reliable.
Download speeds will vary.	Download speeds will be 80% slower.
It's all about you.	It's all about you.