Friday, January 10, 2020

"The large print giveth and the small print taketh away."*

*Thanks to my friend Tom Waits for the title above.

"The power of accurate observation is often called cynicism by those who haven't got it."  --George Bernard Shaw

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Talking one-on-one with “targets.”
Why are you wishing me ‘happy birthday’?

Customer experience is everything.
Why am I on hold for
when I need help?

5-G will change
I still don't get reception in my apartment.

You’re friends and family.
You treat me like shit.

Endless breadsticks.
Endless reflux.

We’re telling brand stories.
I don’t care about
brand stories.

We will tailor offers
based on your
browsing history.
You left off the part where you’ll sell my data over and over and over to anyone and everyone who’s willing to pay for it for your profit and my detriment.

We care about the world.
You advertise on
climate-change-denying networks.

We support sustainability.
Except when it comes 
to your own production
and packaging.

We support women.
Except those employed in our Asian factories.

We believe in culture.
You mean free bagels 
on Fridays.

The right message
to the right person 
at the right time.

I wish you would
leave me alone.

Brand ambassadors.


_____________ is dead.
You make no money
selling ________.

Ask your doctor.

You mean the doctor
who's being paid by
your pharmaceutical company?

Real people.
Real people 
bribed by exorbitant 
residual payments. 

We follow best practices.
You’re the same as
everyone else.

Consumers are in control.
So long as
we do things your way.

The consumer is in charge.
As long as we agree
with you.

It is our pleasure
to serve you.
It is our pleasure
to sever you.

“Following guest, please!”
Get your ass over here.
We need to keep the line moving.

We care about
your business.
We care about
your money.

Professional driver,
closed course.
You will always be stuck
in traffic and hitting potholes.

Void where prohibited.
Prohibited wherever you are.

Terms and conditions apply.
Yours will be more expensive
and less reliable.

Download speeds will vary.
Download speeds will be 80% slower.

It's all about you.

          It's all about you.

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