Five minutes with our CSNO.

AD AGED:

Good morning and thank you for your time today.

CSNO:

THERE’S NO REASON FOR SUCH GRATUITOUS SOLICITUDE. IT IS IMPORTANT FOR YOU TO CUT TO THE CHASE AND GET DIRECTLY TO YOUR POINT WITHOUT FURTHER DELAY, POSTPONEMENT OR EVEN, IN EXTREMIS, LASSITUDE.

AD AGED:

OK, then. Cutting to the chase, what does CSNO stand for and what do you do?

CSNO:

YOU SHOULD REALLY HAVE BEEN MORE PREPARED FOR THIS DISCUSSION AND HAVE DONE SOME RESEARCH INTO THE ROLE OF CSNO. IT IS BOTH YOUR OBLIGATION AND RESPONSIBILITY TO HAVE DONE SO.

I WILL SAY THIS EXACTLY ONE MORE TIME, THOUGH IT SHOULD BE SOMETHING YOU AND ALL EMPLOYEES MAKE THEMSELVES AWARE OF. I AM THE AGENCY’S CHIEF SHRILL NOTE OFFICER.

AD AGED:

I see. Thank you. And what is it that you do?

CSNO:

I USE ELECTRONIC CORPORATE COMMUNICATIONS TO BELITTLE, BERATE AND BESMIRCH AS MANY EMPLOYEES IN A BLANKET FASHION AS I CAN. MY PURPOSE IS TO KEEP RANK-AND-FILE EMPLOYEES FEELING WORTHLESS AND DEMEANED—TO FEEL LUCKY THAT THEY ARE EMPLOYED.

AD AGED:

Wow. Give me an example.

CSNO:

HERE’S ONE: IT IS CONTRACTUALLY REQUIRED FOR YOU TO EAT THE INEDIBLE FOOD WE CHARGE YOU EXTRA FOR UNDER THE MISGUIDED ASSUMPTION THAT YOU’RE SO STUPID AND OVINE YOU’LL GLADLY PAY $1.50 FOR A WITHERED BANANA. YOU WILL EAT WHAT WE TELL YOU TO EAT, WHEN AND WHERE WE TELL YOU TO EAT IT.

AD AGED:

That is shrill. Thank you for that chilling example. And that keeps employees feeling beaten, weak and put-upon.

CSNO:

RIGHT, GENIUS. AND THAT’S EXACTLY THE POINT.

AD AGED:

How about another...

CSNO:

MY OLD STANDBY. THIS IS TO CSNY’S WHAT WHITE CHRISTMAS WAS TO BING CROSBY OR HEY, JUDE TO THE BEATLES.

YOU ARE NINE-SECONDS LATE ON YOUR TIMESHEETS FOR NEXT WEEK. IF YOU HAVE NOT COMPLETED THEM BY THE TIME YOU GET TO THE END OF THIS SENTENCE, YOUR FIRST-BORN SON WILL BE DOUSED IN PRUNE JUICE AND FORCED INTO A LIFE OF WITHERED $1.50 BANANAS.

AD AGED:

That is a thing of shrill beauty, and I thank you for your time today.

CSNO:

OK. NOW GET TO WORK, YOU LUNKHEADED COST-CENTER. THE AGENCY CAN NO LONGER ABIDE YOUR INCESSANT LOLLYGAGGING.

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