HELLO FRIENDS. HELLO MONDELEZZ FAMILY.
HELLO LADIES. HELLO GENTLEMEN. HELLO SHE, HE, THEY, IT AND ZORTRON THE SEX-IS-A-CONSTRUCT PROTOPLAM FROM THE PLANET IXNAY IN THE CRAB NEBULA.
HELLO ONE AND ALL.
AND WELCOME TO THE MONDELEZ ANNUAL MEETING.
IN A NORMAL YEAR, WE'D BE IN RIO. OR THE COSTA DEL SOL. OR ONE OF THOSE THATCH-ROOF HUTS OVER A CLEAR BLUE SEA IN THE SOUTH SEAS.
BUT THIS IS NO NORMAL YEAR!
WHAT IS IT?
I CAN'T HEAR YOU!!!
THAT'S RIGHT! UNPRECEDENTED! But at Mondelez, when things are unprecedented, we're just getting started! We're just revving our engines! We're just beginning to all pull on the same oar!
FRIENDS! 2020 is just the petro-chemical on the cracker!
But 2021 will be the year we all pull-ahead. 2021 will be the year of Mondelez!
And much of that pulling ahead--forging a new path--galloping into a rosy and sugar-coated future will be led by our NEW CORPORATE ETHOS: HUMANIZINGIZATION.
Before we begin to talk about HUMANIZINGIZATION, let's spend a few moments to tip our wafers to some people around Mondelez who are raising the bar as we at Mondelez bar all raises.
First, I want to talk about Irwin Fenster in our Bern, Switzerland R&D Lab. Fenster labors in relative obscurity. But it is his quiet heroism--and the quiet dedication of thousands like him that help Mondelez push the boundaries of HUMANIZENOSITY!
Fenster, working tirelessly, looked at the success of our Double Stuf Oreo.™ It's the number one cookie in Bolivia, Cincinnati and in Upper Lower Silesia--with a bullet!
Fenster said, "That's not good enough." And it's already been a great success in test-markets around the world!
Lisa, would you flip the slide?
Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Fenster's Nineteentuple-Stuf Oreo! Eight-full inches of delicious Stuf, all deliciously-stufed between two delicious oreo cookies
I'd be remiss if I didn't point out the brilliant philologists of Oxford University--Isaac Newton's alma mater--not Fig Newton--who labored day and night to develop our trademarked new spelling of stuff. Folks, we--you and I--own the word STUF, with one F. We couldn't have done it without the language slaughterers we so often take for granted.
And now, ladies and gentlemen, cookies and crackers, we turn to the CRUX of this year's Annual Meeting.
That of course is HUMANISIZING.
We all know that cookies and crackers and snack foods are one of life's simple, loveliest and most beautiful pleasures.
We are not talking about teeth-rotting, waist-expanding, diabetes-deducing snack food. NO!!! We are about HUMAN connection.
We are LOVE. We are TOGETHERNESS. We are the warm embrace of a significant other biomass. We are light and life and laughter and, yes, even lust.
We are SEX with a Fig-Filling.
Why, that's Biblical! In the Bag-gining!
Right back to Adam and Eve and their concealing Fig Leaves.
My friends, THAT IS HUMANIZINGIZATION. That is the deliciousness of life processed with preservatives and chemicals and no end of artificial additives you can't pronounce, all in the service of bringing the world's riven populace together.
We at MONDELEZ are not a cookie, cracker and snack-food company, we are not even a company at all. We are a Humanpany. A Humanporation. With a customer-centric centricity that is central to the center of our centerpoint.
Now, Lisa, thank you, Lisa. Will you please dim the lights? And all of you, my friends out in Zoomtopia, I'd like you all to close your eyes for a second. Deep cleansing breath. Another.
Now, come with me on a journey. The journey of journeying that encompasses the journey we all journey down as we journey through life's journeys.
We see a white picket fence. It's sundown. And the rosy fingers of dusk reach over the verdant branches of a spreading maple tree. Somewhere a dog barks. Its master has just come home.
We cut inside, and our story begins.
What are we at Mondelez Humanitizationing for? That's the question, Mondel-fleas.
We're connecting with little girls putting on frilly petticoats for their first dance. We're humanizationizing for a mom helping her autistic son strive and succeed in school. Oh, look! There's a young girl with Down's Syndrome...she's just won a beauty contest. Her big, burly dad adjusts her tiara. A kiss.
A middle-aged woman, her face smeared with grease and grime and wearing a hardhat takes a break from getting those California wildfires under control.
That's what we're humanizationingizing for.
Look, a political candidate--he's not kissing babies--he's handing out cookies. 19-stufal Oreo cookies, with 19-times the Stuf as usual Oreolas.
Three old men in flannel shirts sitting around the cracker-barrel playing checkers. A local baseball team in the twilight over a well-groomed sandlot celebrating a close-fought win.
A white cop helps a black motorist with a jumpstart. That is humanizationizing.
A priest helps a rabbi reel in a fish. An Arab and a Hasid playing pickel-ball.
A hippie and a school marm dance closely and slowly. She lets down her hair, takes off her owlish glasses. They fall in love.
That is our humanitory-sensory-humanizationary customer-centric-centricity.
A boat-load of refugees welcomed to a giant dinner set and abundant at a long communal table.
A young suburban couple--they're Black but they look white, or white but they look Black, and they've painted themselves into a corner as they restore their $11 million starter home.
A fat man limps across the finish line of a marathon. The whole town cheers.
A dog gets a bath and shakes off on the stern dad reading a newspaper who then bursts into laughter.
That Mondel-sneezers, Mondel-fleas-ers and Mondel-tweezers is Humanitizationaryosityness.
That's what's going to make 2021 the greatest year in Cookie-Cracker-and-Confection Customer-Centricity-Connection.
That is what we're about.
Anyone can sell snack foods, my friends.
Only we can sell the very essence, pith and core of CON-X-SHUN.
And snack well.