Wednesday, December 2, 2020

58 things I don't need:

It's that time of the year again. 

If there were any agencies left that still did production (not in the basements of their holding-company-rented low-rent buildings) it would be time for production companies to bestow all sorts of largesse on all sorts of creative people. 

Of course, agencies, production companies, production, largesse and, even, creative people are all, it seems, more or less vestiges of pre-Sorrellian times. Even so, the list below will serve to remind one and all that Scrooge himself might have taken a withered page from my lugubrious playbook. 

In short, and as always, leave me alone:

1. Socks with affirmations printed on them.

2. A personal trainer yelling at me.

3. Anyone yelling at me.

4. SEO solicitation from someone I don't know on Linked In.

5. Political opinions from washed-up actors.

6. Waiters asking me 'how is everything tasting this evening." And waiters referred to as servers who don't play tennis.

7. The little plastic tables they now put inside pizza boxes. They pollute the world so you get more cheese. And cheesy goodness.

8. Brands that make anything with ocean plastic.

9. Neighbors who fight over garbage cans.

10. Blueberry bagels.

11. Pictures of your fucking Christmas tree.

12. Agency holding companies.

13. The services of a Chief Risk Officer.

14. Fast food. 

15. Chatbots that pop-up the moment you visit a site.

16. Any car advertisement that uses the word adrenaline.

17. $6 coffee and the 16-minute line to get it.

18. People gushing about a TV series.

19. Anything to do with any Kardashian in any context.

20. People who are anti-science, anti-vaccine, anti-fact.

21. Jokey newscasters. With bad shoes. Whether or not I can see their shoes, I know they're bad.

22. The corporate moguls who decided news should be entertainment.

23. Sports uniforms with corporate logos on them.

24. Sports stadiums paid for by taxpayers with corporate logos on them.

25. Sports stadiums paid for by taxpayers with all the best seats reserved for rich people who don't pay taxes.

26. Mitch McConnell's chins, two through 42.

27. Any commercial that shows people spontaneously breaking into dance.

28. Car commercials with spokesvixens who aren't funny and can't act. Especially the Toyota lady.

29. People who tweet proudly that their opinions are their own.

30. Any mention of black-random-day-of-the-week or cyber-day-of-the-week.

31. Frida Kahlo and her interstate eyebrow.

32. Anything from a major brand that they claim is free.

33. Accepting cookies. Extortion in exchange for web-viewing.

34. Movies for adults about comic book heroes.

35. People who feed the birds, especially rat birds.

36. Soft ice-cream places that close in the winter.

37. Loyalty cards from retailers.

38. Showerheads lower than my head.

39. Instructions with pictograms instead of words.

40. Anything or anyone that calls itself "smart," as in
your smart-speaker.

41. "I'm just a start-up," as a synonym for "I can't pay you."

42. People who say, "We need a stronger call to action" when what they're actually selling is crap.

43. People who post those word jumbles that claim "2021 will be defined by the first three words you see."

44. Or who ask about your five favorite albums.

45. Or anything about anything in retrograde. Except republicans who have been in retrograde since at least Thomas E. Dewey.

46. Leaf blowers. Especially on days that end in Y.

47. Chicken wings. Except on chickens.

48. Inspirational quotations from virtually anyone.

49. Anyone that finishes a sentence with, 'you're welcome.'

50. Pre-torn jeans.

51. Skinny jeans.

52. People who use the word craft. 

53. Swiffer.

54. Auto-tuned music.

55. Any strong opinion or judgment based about the Oxford comma.

56. Coins.

57. Television weather people talking about weather events.

58. Lionizing the recently dead.

No comments: