10 Gifts For the Holding Company CEO that Has Everything.

1. A single vinyl record. To remind him of when he had Agency of Record accounts.

2. Black Ink. An obsolete metaphor of the harkening back to times (like the 80s) when agencies were profitable.

3. Pineapple (Revenue) Upside-Down Cake. The cake recipe can be applied to agency data: revenue, head count, overall outlook. Just look at your financials as if they were upside down.

4. 3-D Lion. Printer. Perfect for printing replicas of faux Cannes Lions for ads that never ran, for results that never materialized, for clients you no longer have, by people you no longer employ. Why go to Lion hunting when you can breed your own?

5. Synonym Buns. After two-decades of industry contraction, stultification, firings and lowering of fees and wages, even the wiliest of Holding Company CEOs is running out of euphemisms for precipitous decline and abject failure. 

Our Synonym Buns will provide endless tasty ways of saying 'we're fucked.;
ex. "Downgrowth." "Negative Profit." "Downvaluation." "Right-sizing." "Write Downs." "Shrinkgrowth." Deceptive, yes. Delicious? You bet!

6. Silicone Butts, 100%  Fake Buttock Enhancers. Perfect for the CEO, who, after he's shed two out of five employees, wants "asses in seats," when he has no more asses to justify his seat expenditure. Your RTO mandate? With our buns, consider it done!™

7. Yachta, Yachta, Yachta. For the CEO who's tired of hearing the accusations about his incompetence halving revenue during his tenure. A simple way to remember the $1,700,000 you spent for a yacht rental while laying people off, plus a little reading about income inequality.*

(* Offer not applicable for CEOs who can't read.)

8. Custom-printed t-shirt. (Spinal cord not included with purchase.) After all, as Schattner said to Marx, clothes make the oligarch.

9. The Camel-through-the-eye-of-a-needle chainsaw. Jesus apocryphally said, "it's easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to get into heaven." 

Our deluxe high-powered "Camel Chopper," can help cut your own personal camel down to size. Works with both Bactrians and Dromedaries. Or try it on a llama, alpaca or other ungulate. 

10. A pink slip. This one needs no explanation. Human not included.