Wednesday, July 16, 2008
What year is this?
I got a simply awful piece of direct mail yesterday. Is that redundant? Awful and direct mail? If it is redundant, why?
On one side of the envelope is a handsome black man in a state of absolute rapture because of what he is hearing through his headphones. (Interpreted, of course, with no artistry or craft whatsoever. This is not the iridescent iPod people. This is the nadir of cliche-ridden stock.) The line: "You've got worry-free wireless. and that's one less thing to think about."
OK. That blows a whale's penis.
People are worried about a sinking economy. Planes flying into buildings. The demise of polar ice. Their wireless is not keeping them up at night. "Man, I couldn't sleep last night. Shit, my 802.11 G was acting like it was 802.11 B!"
Now, I turn this monstrosity of a non-communication over. On the other side is this line: "See inside for some features that will enhance your wireless experience."
Seeing the Grand Canyon is an experience.
Ray Charles at the Blue Note is an experience.
Removing a pretty girl's wireless bra is an experience.
But wireless in and of itself is not an experience.
"Hi honey. How was your air-conditioning experience today? Hold on, I'm gonna get a cup of water via my faucet experience."
See inside--it's an envelope. Of course I have to see inside. The words see inside are no inducement to open this dreck.
Some features. What does that mean?
And now one of my new least-favorite piece of crap words: enhance.
Bland. Boring. Meaningless. Non-committal. But I suppose it sounds like an ad word.
So clients say--well, it enhances my ass. Put it in there. Speaking of asses, exercise may make you look better. You would never say, "gee, running five miles every morning has really enhanced me." No, you feel and look better.
In all, another blight on our world. Another insult to our intelligence. Another triumph of mediocrity and rote over creativity.
Posted by George Tannenbaum at 4:03 AM