Thursday, May 7, 2020

Dear Humanoid Employment Expense Unit . Return to Office Procedures and Protocols.

Dear Employee Numbers 037299-0279008,
During these unprecedented times, I wanted to share some much-needed and much-unprecedented good news about your unprecedented good work during our recently unprecedented unprecedence.
In addition to some recent award wins and some exceptional and unprecedented work by our agencies—including three agencies I wasn’t even aware we owned—my 12-meter yacht, the Swill Bucket is returning to the seas to sail once again this summer.
Similarly, friends, we too shall be returning to our “seas.” That is, our work spaces.
Before I provide an update on our return-to-work-space plans, let’s look at some of the work you’ve been doing, and I’ve been profiting from, that continues to be impressively unprecedented.
Our Bosnian agency Dobit i Veća Zarada has successfully worked with a client to develop a nose-and-chin activated prosthetic device. This apparatus allows for probiscis-derived door-openings. This helps minimize the manual transmission of this unprecedented virus.

Additionally, to combat the scourge of OCD (Oreo-cookie devouring) brought on stress related to this unprecedented virus, our Italian affiliate has developed a special hand-signal. This gesture can silently indicate to onlookers that you’ve polished off two boxes of Oreos already and you haven’t even had breakfast yet. You. Need. Help. Unprecedented. Help.

Our fully cross-functional select committee on returning to work has developed Returning to the Work Space Safely Guidance for you and your agency leaders. Led by of Chief Return to Work Officer, these guidelines will be implemented by each office and will be tailored for local regulations and the specific needs of your agency—as long as those needs don’t diverge from our “mandates” or cause us undo stress or any money.
You can access the Guidelines at
As part of our plan to return to the office safely, we sent out a brief survey last week. The results we’re positive. 57% of you wear briefs. 

Thank you, please continue to do so in accord with our Guidelines guidance. 
While each of our agencies are still in the planning process, and some are in the process of planning the planning process and still others are in the process of planning the planning for the planning process, I want to reassure you of a few things:
1. First, our work spaces will not open before we have paid our back rent. And even then we will take some extra time before opening, to make sure the landlord doesn’t scold us.

2. Once we open our work spaces, it will be under a phased approach.

3. Our first phase will include people missing two to three limbs. Phase Two will include people missing all four limbs. And Phase Three will mandate return of four-limbed bio-masses. This will help us maintain proper social distancing or not.

4. Maybe.

5. We know many of you are juggling both professional and personal responsibilities. To accommodate your particular needs we will now allow juggling in the work space. Please check with your manager.

6. Finally, please know that anybody who is not comfortable returning to their work space as we gradually transition back and maintain social distancing will not be required to do so. Neither will they be required to collect a paycheck.

As always, next to my own personal safety and well-being, your safety and well-being remain our top priority—give or take a few priorities.
We will do our best to keep you informed on a need to know basis and in accordance to the shifting needs of clients during these unprecedentedly shifty times as well as the aforementioned Guidelines guidance.
In the meantime, stay safe and continue to take care of yourself and your loved ones, especially me. The life you save may be my own.

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