Wednesday, March 27, 2019

The 1,000,000,000 Best Companies to Work For.

There are so many awards for so many things that awards themselves have become all-but-meaningless.

One of the more ever-present of our modern-day awards-onslaught is called, “The Best Companies to Work For.” Most companies in today’s “Gilded Age Economy 2.0” offer little in terms of wages and even less when it comes to job security.

It’s hard to think of them as “best.”

But since we live in an age where everyone deserves a trophy, and everyone is willing to pay to get one, Ad Aged created its own award: “The Best 1,000,000,000 Companies to Work For.”

Here are some verbatims from some recent winners.

“Since 2017, floggings have decreased a whopping 3%. My scabs are finally clearing up.”

“We’re down to nine emails a week threatening us for being late on our timesheets. Management really cares!”

“Four out of 10 days wireless is working--and its free!

“Work-life balance is really important here. I worked only 20 weekends last year. And saw my daughter, Jill or Jane, for her birthday.”

“Diversity is our watchword here. We have some people under 5’6” and some people over 5’6”! We even have some 6-footers.”

“Most people get raises nearly every decade. Who could ask for more?”

“Constant belittling has really helped me grow.”

“Everyone is really close here. Really close. The guy who sits next to me is only nine-inches away.”

“We’re one big team. The CEO shares everything and doesn’t block anyone from seeing his country homes on Instagram.”

“We use absolutely no slave labor in the Americas and we’re working to eliminate it in Asia!”

“Management has reduced mercury emissions by 40% since 2017. And by 2040, we’ll reach the 50% level.”

“The is a place to build your career. People spend 5, 10, 15, even 20 weeks here!”

“There’s always a manager around 24/7 to ignore employee needs.”

“Management helps disabled vets and homeless people by running commercials showcasing commercials about helping disabled vets and homeless people.”


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