America's last commercial.

Since it seems that every commercial these days features thin and impossibly good-looking people with medically-enhanced smiles, and since it seems that the only role of CMOs and their agencies is to drive both cost and creativity out of production, I thought I'd write America's last commercial.

As countless musicians have intoned while playing for the thousandth time the song that made them famous, "It goes something like this."

Happy people, smiling faces,
We're around in all the right places,
We're company name,
We're really on our game,
You're right at home.

We'll give you service and some more,
We'll deliver right to your door,
We're company name,
No one else is the same,
Come on drop on by.

So, let's try this for McDonald's:

Happy people, smiling faces,
We're around in all the right places,
We're Mickey Dees.
We aim to please.
You're right at home.

Budweiser:

Happy people, smiling faces,
We're around in all the right places,
We're Budweiser,
Have us with an appetizer.
You're right at home.

The Census:

Happy people, smiling faces,
We're around in all the right places,
The US Census,
We tear down fences,
You're right at home.

Viagara:

Happy people, smiling faces,
We're around in all the right places,
Erectile dysfunction
We'll treat your penis with extreme unction,
You're right at home.