Ad Aged: You're CAO, Chief Apology Officer at a major holding company. That's a title I've never heard before. Why don't you tell my legion of readers what you do?
CAO: I'm sorry you haven't heard of the title before. We should have done a better job spreading the word about my job. As Chief Apology Officer, I basically apologize for all sorts of things.
Ad Aged: Give me an example of something you've apologized for.
CAO: Sure. We don't actually apologize. We do what we call in the trade "ratiocination." Ratiocination is to apologizing what a Ferrari is to a Model T.
So for instance, if one of our agencies produces an off-brand web video that looks more like a junior-high production of 'The Vagina Monologues' than a well-produced commercial, I issue a statement like this: "It's already exceeded our metrics for success and garnered a staggering 500,000 views on a variety of social media channels."
Ad Aged: Very interesting. How about some more examples of apologizing.
CAO: Well say we convince a client to make massive expenditures on marketing efforts that have absolutely no impact on the public.
Ad Aged: How do you handle that?
CAO: Easy. We haven't failed to reach an audience. Today's ever-shifting new media landscape demands constant experimentation and innovation. We have to be constantly exploring to stay one step ahead of the liquid modalities of media consumption advantaging new channels with robust efforts that circumscribe complacent paradigms.
Ad Aged: How about lay-offs? How do you handle those?
CAO: Easy. I can apologize for layoffs in my sleep. Here's one for you. We've made a 2%-4% adjustment to the ever-changing demands of our clients, the exigencies of new media parameters and the vagaries of the marketplace.
Ad Aged: Thank you for your time today.
CAO: I'm sorry we had to do this.
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