Tuesday, November 15, 2011

I would rather be dead, Mother Fuckers.

My agency has a spam filter that is so acute that sometimes it blocks emails sent out from our own HR Department. Sometimes emails from our corporate parent wind up in our junk folders. Sometimes someone who's e'ed you 100 times before suddenly ends up as junk.

Nevertheless, despite that Teutonic efficiency, emails from some asinine company called CareerTrack continue to invade my desktop though I always click on the icon that says "block sender."

CareerTrack seems to subscribe to the insipid notion of positivism. That the world and you're life would be so much better if you hitched up your pants, let a smile be your fucking umbrella and we all pulled on one lame-brained oar.

Today they invited me to a 1-hour long seminar on "Creating a positive, productive work environment by preventing bad attitudes and negative situations from disrupting your team's performance."

Here's their Ziggy-esq, Care-bear-like copy:

"Let's face it, not every member of an organization is going to be 100 percent happy all the time. Negativity often invades your workplace due to insecurity, boredom or even resentment, and it can spread like wildfire and attack an entire department's morale and ability to perform. Detecting potential problems before they spread is key to defusing harmful situations and stopping them in their tracks.

"Dealing with negativity requires open communication, good listening skills and the ability to focus on solutions rather than the problem. This informative program will provide you with proven strategies, tips and techniques to help you renew motivation where negativity may have taken hold within your organization.

"How to Deal with Negativity in the Workplace will show you how to combat negativity by working out conflicts with constructive criticism, active listening and an optimistic attitude. In one informative hour, you'll learn:

"What a negative atmosphere could be costing you and your organization

"How to deal with different problem attitudes (complainers, pessimists, gossips) with open communication, top-notch listening skills and effective questioning strategies

"How to assess your own attitude and understand how it's affecting your team

"Strategies to effectively respond when upper management is identified as the cause of negativity

"How to act rather than react when presented with a difficult situation

"And much more!

"It only takes one negative attitude to hinder the productivity of an entire team, which can ultimately affect your organization's bottom line. This 1-hour Audio Conference will teach you how to identify, work with, and remove negativity before it plagues your workplace — so that you will enjoy a more creative, dynamic and professional environment!"


JM Creative said...

Bwaahahahaha - this kinda shit makes me proud to be a corporate dropout. The fact that someone's actually built a company around this limp offering is just more evidence of the overall decline of, um, fuckin everything, I guess. To stop the emails, George, i recommend throwing your laptop out the nearest window and going to a movie.

peggy said...

"focus on solutions rather than the problem". i suggest dropping e in the water coolers then. im willing to bet thats cheaper and more effective improving happiness than the seminar.

Tim said...

That last paragraph kind of creeped me out. It was a little like Stalinism with a happy face.