Friday, May 7, 2021

Modern agency phone tree.

Hello, you have reached the voice-mail system at Why a Papercut and Plasticine. Please listen carefully as our menu options have changed. Para Espanol, numero dos. Para Yiddish, oy vey.

Press 1, if you'd like to get your swagger back.

Press 2, if you'd like your soda company to remove 150 metric tons of ocean plastic from its reputation.

Press 3, if you'd like to become part of culture.

Press 4, if you'd like to lead culture, not merely be a part of it.

Press 5, if you'd like a commercial where sallow young people undulate to bad EDM.

Press 6, if you'd like an agency network with borderless creativity.

Press 7, if you'd like to know that by borderless creativity we mean we put low-wage workers in Mumbai to work creating your Instagram ads.

Press 8, if you'd like us to ignore your business because we're busy winning awards for work that never ran.

Press 9, if you'd like us to lead your brand-transformation though we've transformed our brand from one of the strongest in the world into a money-hemorrhaging sump-pump.

Press 10, if you'd like hundreds of small ads that no one will ever see.

Press 11, if you'd like messaging for your $100 Billion brand tended to by 26-year-olds who can't even pay their own rent. 

Press 12, if you'd like an agile, robust, scalable solution.

Press 13, if you'd like to contribute your marketing budget to our agency overhead.

Press 14, if you'd like to contribute your marketing budget to our
holding company overhead.

Press 15, if you'd like us to recommend cool directors rather than business-building solutions.

Press 16, if you'd like 21 people in a meeting, 19 of whom are texting.

Press 17, if you'd like your business pitched by a team of people you'll never again see once the pitch is over.

Press 18, if you like glad-handing, cloying agreement and grin-fucking.

Press 19, if you'd like your work under-delivered. And late.

Press 20, if you'd like your work late. And under-delivered.

Press 21, if you believe the best promises are empty promises.

Press 22, if you think a suite in Cannes is the ultimate measure of marketing success.

Press 23, if you'd like your advertising agency run by people who have never created an ad.

Your call is important to us.

Please stay on the line and we will be with you never.

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