Procure your way to profitability.

Dear ______________________ Agency,

Thank you for agreeing to participate in the pitch for the _____million dollar ____________________business.

So that the review process is as orderly and as fair as possible, you MUST adhere to the strictures detailed here:

1) You will be presenting marketing and creative ideas to a room of ten people. Five of those people have nothing to do with marketing. They are procurement people who will posit that all work performs essentially the same and that choosing a new agency should come down to who is the cheapest.
2) No matter how the pitch is going we will betray no emotion, share no enthusiasms, and make no contributions. Any suggestion that you might have reached us on a visceral level is to be mitigated if not obviated.
3) You have only an hour and a half. The long term health of our company should be determined in a meeting that lasts about half as long as a wait in motor vehicles.
4) Even though our business has grown substantially, we demand that the incumbent agency pitch for their business.

Thank you once again for your participation.

We look forward to fucking you with an iron rod.

Sincerely,