AD AGED:
Thank you, sir, for agreeing to meet with me. A little background: I am studying the composition of the modern
Ad Agency, and your five minutes with me will help.
CEUAO:
Anything I can do to hinder our friends in the press corps. At our Holding Company, we are all about an opaque level of transparency that verges on the unseeable.
AD AGED:
Yes, of course.
Before we begin, can you clarify what CEUAO stands for?
CEUAO:
Naturally. Today every agency and every holding company has a Chief Diversity and Inclusion Officer.
AD AGED:
Yes, they’re multiplying like a gorgeous mosaic of hormonal bunnies.
CEUAO:
At my holding company, OPP, Omnivorous Pompous and Pupik, we believe you’re not really Diverse and Inclusive if you’re not also Exclusionary, Unanimous and Agreeable.
AD AGED:
So you’re the Chief Exclusion, Unanimity and Agreement Officer?
CEUAO:
Yes. That’s quite a masticatory assemblage, is it not?
AD AGED:
You might say that.
What is it that a CEUAO does?
CEUAO:
I exclude everyone who doesn’t fit the Chief Diversity and Inclusion Officer’s definition of Diversity and Inclusion.
I force people who aren’t between the ages of 18 and 33 out of the network. They’re too old to be culturally relevant; they don’t understand today’s technologies and they make inflated old-timey salaries that the razor-thin margins of the holding company, OPP, just can’t support.
AD AGED:
I see. Anything else?
CEUAO:
Yes, while the Chief Diversity and Inclusion Officer seeks to create a gorgeous mosaic of cosmetic diversity, I make sure we don’t have diversity of thought or opinion.
Post hoc ergo propter hoc, we look for unanimity of thought from agreeable people without strong opinions.
That makes Omnivorous Pompous and Pupik, OPP, the happy holding company—our natural attrition rate, for example, has dipped well under 70% for two years running.
AD AGED:
Fantastic.
CEUAO:
I knew you’d like that.
Everyone here always agrees with me.
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