Friday, September 11, 2020

Special Edition. Very very special.


Recently, Holding Company Omnivorous Parsimonious and Picayune's (OPP) CEO, Mark Cannotread, (NYSE: ROTFL) boasted that 80% of its workforce of 120,000 people in 259 offices at three desks, is under the age of 20. And they get paid in yoyo's, scrunchi's, Skittles, gum that squirts and Mountain Dew.

"They don't hark back to the 2010's, luckily" Cannotread said. "All of them have digits and are fully, therefore, digital. Luckily, they aren't beholden to remnants of the past, like big brand ideas that define and communicate the purpose of our clients to a skeptical public. They're much more interested in making culture, making playdates and making wee-wees."

With that, ADPISSANT is proud to present tomorrow's talent today, with our first 12 under 12 list that recognizes talented individuals advancing the world into their teen years. The list honors the best and the driest diapered: the savants, the rainmakers, snow-makers and play-doh makers.

Dora, 6, never stops exploring new ways to push the boundaries of the new media-eco-scape and connect with lucrative pre-natal consumers in preternatural style. Nothing can stop her--except lunch.

Don't be fooled by his Jack-o-Lantern grin and his post-hipster haircut, Al Falfa, 7, has been winning awards since last Tuesday. Cannes Lion Bronze winner for best drawing of a rocket ship.

Patti Mayonnaise, 12, and Doug Funnie, 12. Big marketing problems? This Dynamic Duo knows Instagram and gets to Insta-Answers--instantly! They're simply Insta-mazing!

Brooklyn "Red" Hook, a tough, talented art-director who, luckily doesn't have one diaper tab stuck in the 2018s. A tireless worker who burns the mid-night oil starting around 2:15. "Sure he's cranky," said one CEO, "but he gets the job done. Especially if you cut up his food for him. In bitsy witsy wittle pieces."

So bewitching, so beguiling, so be-dazzling she goes by just one name: Lolita, 12. So beware. She lives in a kingdom by the sea and loves with a love that has never been loved. A maiden. A copywriter. Soon to be a major motion picture.

Gary Coleman, 7. Fast, feisty and a firecracker. A deep well of ideas and executional brilliance. Coleman holds high standards and terrorizes account people and clients alike. His famous "What chu tawkin' about, Willis?" raises everyone to a higher standard.

"The Smurfs," 6. After nine grueling hours auditing classes at Miami (Ohio) Ad School, the "Smurfs" as they're known are ready to work on your multi-million dollar ad budget. "Their lack of experience," said OPP's Mark Readbetweenthelines, "is only matched by the fervor of their unfounded convictions."

"'Spermy' doesn't have one foot stuck in the '80s, because his feet haven't developed yet," say OPP OB/GYN Mark Rude. "Spermy is the future. He's not stuck in the past. In fact, right now, he's stuck in the ovaries."

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