Wednesday, September 2, 2020

You're hired!


Dear Applicant or Bot,


I hope this note finds you well. I mean, I hope this note finds you, well, I really do hope this note finds you. Well.


Assuming this note finds you, well, I hope you weren’t lost for too long, assuming, correctly or incorrectly, that in order to be found, it is necessary to have been lost.


So, once again.


I hope this note finds you. Well, I hope it finds you well. And if it has found you, I am sorry you were lost. And presumably unwell.


Now that this note has found you, well. Or found you well. Or found you in a well (a perfectly respectable place to have been lost) this note is pleased you have, well, been found.


As Chief Talent Acquisition Officer for the Holding Company, OPP, Omnivorous Pumpkin and Pupik, I hope this note finds you, well and let me go on to say that acquiring the acquisition of you is something of an acquired skill.


OPP would like to acquire your talent, and accordingly, as Chief Talent Acquisition Officer, they have both tasked me with the charge to acquire talent and charged me with the task to do the same.


Please, then, accept our offer to acquire your talent. You can leave your entirety at home while simply forwarding your talent to us for our acquisitional purposes. Subsequent to the acquisition of your talent, we will set up, assuming our notes can find you well, discussions with our Chief Talent Suppression Officer who will in turn make sure that your notes to your previously acquired talent won’t find that talent, well or otherwise, it having been mitigated, sullied, abnegated and otherwise suppressed.


The final step in our talent acquisition process has you meeting with our Chief People Officer. As you may or may not know, fully 14% of our people are actual people. The remaining 86% are algorithms, including our Chief People Officer, one of OPP’s many people replaced by a linoleum algorithmic agglomeration of binary code (LAABC™).


Once you have interfaced with the peopless, faceless and interfaceless Chief People Officer, we will be proud to proffer forthwith or in six week’s time, whichever comes second, a remuneration package approximately 40% below the living wage in [your city, state, country.]


As always, should you have any questions.


We remain at.


And we hope this note finds you smell.






Employee number

Chief Talent Acquisition Ossifier






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