As Cannes resumes--in eight short months--there are sure to be additions to their already vast slate of awards. Just as the Coca-Cola company sells over 200 different brands, awards shows have to keep adding categories or they'll lose the shelf-space wars versus other award shows. Besides, more awards equal more entries equals more revenue equals more money spent on industry diversity efforts. (That last bit was a joke.)
So, without further furtherance, Ad Aged's suggestions for some new, important Cannes Lions.
The Notwork of the Year.
Awarded to the network that's spent more on self-aggrandizement than they've spent on their clients and way more than they spend on the salaries of people doing the work.
The Rainbow Condition.
Given to the client team that returns copy-comments with the most different colors of track-changes comments.
The Dirty Birds.
For the work that takes credit for cleaning the greatest number of seabirds with dish soap made by the client that happens to clean up the vast environmental messes made by another client.
The Sounds of Silence.
The award for the longest film sequence where nothing is said in any way shape or form. Just marsh weeds blowing, raindrops falling and the eyelashes of a beautiful woman closing. This is supposed to be entertaining.
The Slip Mahoney Award.
Named after the leader of the Bowery Boys who famously dominated on-screen time without saying anything, this august award goes to the tie-less, 50+, white male holding company leader who speaks most and says least.
The Everward (Sponsored by LinkedIn.)
Awards given to everyone regardless of whether or not their work is any good, their work is real, or has even been entered. We just give awards essentially for breathing, or farting, forever. Because LinkedIn would be a blank page without people saying how humbled and chuffed they are.
Short for Oxymoron. Awarded to the agency and holding company that does the worst work yet wins the most awards and publishes the most PR trumpeting their surpassing mediocrity. Formerly known as the Cognitive Dissonance Award.
The No Show.
The award for work that's never run, never will run and that doesn't deserve to ever run. When your clients suck, just Go No. Nu?
The Glass/Titanium/Tootsie/Pez/Moonrock Lyin'.
There are other ultimates, there are dozens of best of shows but the Glass/Titanium/Tootsie/Pez/Moonrock Lyin' is the ultimate of ultimate ultimates, the best of all best of best of best of show shows. Credits limited to 3,000 names.