Tuesday, September 11, 2018

I’m an Influencer, goddammit.

I’m an influencer, goddammit.

In fact, I’m such an influencer, I influenced you into reading this sentence. And it sucks.

Fuck, yeah.

I’m an influencer, goddammit, and if I say Campbell’s reduced-sodium tomato soup, you’re all-of-a-sudden looking for a spoon.

If I tell you that the new seven-part series on the life and times of Pauley Shore is a “must-see,” dagnabbit, you’re gonna see it.

Because I’m an influencer, goddammit.

While you’re rubbing the sleep out of your eyes, I’m changing the course of dozens of brands with a twitch of my hypersonic thumbs.

Look, bro, I have so many social media followers, some of them have actually looped around and started following themselves.

I’m so influential, I can recommend ice to eskimos.
I’m so influential, I can bring coals to Newcastle and make them love it.
I can sell Big Macs to vegetarians.
I can sell Donald Trump to the Hair Club for Men.

I’m an influencer, goddammitl.

I’ve got authenticity coming out the wazoo.
My online presence is as profitable as selling franks at the ballpark.
I’ve got sincerity I haven’t even used yet.

And take it from me,
once you can fake sincerity,

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you’ve got it made.

Monday, September 10, 2018

Rosh Ha Shanah reflections.

I've always been blessed with that rarest of New York talents; I have good Cab Karma. That is, in a downpour, after the theater, or even just as another Knick game ends in a loss at Madison Square Garden, that most squalid of New York cab-finding spots, I can get a cab.

Most of my positive Cab Karma can be attributed to three things. One, after a life in New York, I've learned how to get a cab. I don't wait on the sidewalk. That's for amateurs. 

I wade out into the first, or even second lane of traffic to look for one. Two, I am tall. That means I can be noticed from farther away, and I can see way down an avenue to spot one. Finally, I'm a good-tipper. That's where the Karma comes in and is what separates me from the ordinary cab-hailer.

As Jews (the few who are left) around the world celebrate our new year, Rosh Ha Shanah, it's only natural to reflect on things that go-around and come-around, the cosmic quid pro quo. You know, karma.

Rosh Ha Shanah, and ten days later, Yom Kippur, are after all about karma. They're about being a good person and taking stock and reflecting on how you can improve yourself. I try to think about those things every day, about how I can achieve that apotheosis of human accomplishment and become something exalted: a mensch.

Given my Cab Karma, and not to jinx myself, but I think I must be doing something right. There are people who couldn't stop a cab if they were standing in the middle of Broadway with an over-sized Ed McMahon Publishers' Clearinghouse check. Just as I might be doing something right, we all know tons of people who are doing something wrong.

Speaking of karma, there's more.

Last Saturday afternoon, coming back from the country having played with Whiskey in the turbid sea, my wife turned to me and said, "We haven't had a pizza for a long time. Why don't we get one for lunch?"

Accordingly, I steered the Simca through the potholed-Bronx to the (free) Willis Avenue Bridge and headed to Patsy's in Harlem on 118th and First Avenue, making every light, like a pro, on Second Avenue.

One of the long-running debates in New York, it's enough to raise a temperate man to fisticuffs, is which pizza joint is the best. Various on-and-off-line publications run about a thousand articles a year listing various pizza places and proclaiming them supreme. There's always someplace out in Brooklyn somewhere, or, eeeeeek, Staten Island, that this or that cognoscenti, names the greatest.

But for nearly 90 years, since Harlem was an Italian-ghetto, Patsy's has been holding the fort in its tin-ceiling splendor. Its coal-burning oven turns out a slightly-burnt pie roughly every 90 seconds, the thick mozzarella bubbling like Vesuvius.

In any event, parking at Patsy's when you're running in to pick up a pizza is next to impossible. Cabs, cop cars, even giant red hook-and-ladders are triple, sometimes quadruple-parked across the breadth of First Avenue. The next time the city runs short of revenue, they have only to head up to Patsy's and start ticketing the miscreants. They'd accrue a fortune in minutes.

This is all to say as we head into the Ten Days of Awe (the period from Rosh to Yom) I must be doing something right. My wife and I picked up a pie at prime-time on Saturday. 

We didn't park one lane over, or two, or three. In fact, I pulled into an ample space right smack in front. I mean precisely adjacent to Patsy's front door, mere inches away from the portal. This has never happened since Karl Benz invented the motorcar in 1886.

It's just possible I have Parking Karma, too. Just possible I'll have a happy 5779.


I know I'll try. Try to be decent. Try to be a mensch.

And a Happy New Year to you, too.




Thursday, September 6, 2018

Late afternoon, Torreon.

The bus slowed off of route 40 and headed straight through the center of Torreon, a steamy city of half a million in the desert four hours due west from Saltillo. Gordo Batista, our third-string catcher and every day bus-driver continued west on Boulevard Revolucion, then circled the tilted towers that gave Torreon its name, around the Plaza Mayor. Through the over-grown plaza with its fountain water green from algae, Batista turned the wheezing old bus around and doubled back through the city. He finally stopped on the broken asphalt of parking lot of the Estadio Revolucion de Beisbol.

I got up from my usual seat, two behind Batista and across from my manager, Hector Quesadilla. Hector stopped me, putting out his strong left arm and commanding, in Spanish, “sientate.” Sit down.

The other boys filed out, lugging their duffles, ragged and wet from the hot foul air of four-hour bus ride through the swelter. Julio Canova, a utility infielder, was singing something sad by Freddy Fender, using the butt end of a pine-tarred Hillerich and Bradsby as a mike:

I don't need nobody to tell my troubles to.
I don't need nobody to tell my troubles to.
Cause since I met you baby, all I need is you.

Hector swatted him on the ass and Canova fake tripped down the steps of the old bus tumbling like a drunk out of a bar late at night alone.

Canova lay on the ground and shouted up at Hector,

Desde que conosco que tu amore se fiel
Mi vida esta cambiada, eres tu mi ser.

Since I met you baby my whole life has changed
And everybody tells me that I am not the same.

Hector laughed a laugh from deep in his round belly. Then he waved Canova away and pulled the dull steel lever to shut the door of the bus.

He grabbed a bat and a ball as he did when he didn’t want to look you in the eyes and began bouncing the baseball off its fat end, like the 29-cent kids’ toy.

“Torreon,” he said slowly, “Torreon was where the Revolucion of Mexico began to die. It died like many things die in Mexico. It died slowly like a scorpion in the too hot sun. First standing up bravely with dignity against the inevitable, then growing brittle and dry, then crushing into dust.”

He tapped the ball again and again, the ca-tunk ca-tunk ca-tunk the only noise in the nearly empty bus.

“Jorge Bota was shot dead in Plaza Mayor while standing in his Chevrolet. He was leading the Revolucion in these parts. Zapata, the shoe, was the General. Here in Torreon—it was not a big city then, Bota, the boot, was the Captain. Torreon had ten-thousand, maybe twenty-thousand people in those days. All poor.”

Ca-tunk ca-tunk ca-tunk.

I walked to the back of the bus and returned with two warm cokes from the leaking cooler. I opened one Mexican-style on the metal bar on the back of a bus seat and handed it to Hector. Then I opened mine.

“Bota and Villa and Zapata and their Zapatistas—8,000 of them—had seized the lands of the Terrazzas family from the Constitutionalist Government they were fighting, led by 
Zapata.”

“Villa I know. Zapata I know. I do not know the Terrazzas.” I swigged my warm soda and wiped my mouth with my sleeve.

“The Terrazzas were bandits of Porfirio Diaz, el Presidente.” Hector started. “They took from the poor peasants who couldn’t read the land their families had farmed since before the Spanish invaders had come so many centuries before. They took from my grandfather his land. Land of his father, too. His father’s father land they took. And so on. They took the land of my uncles, and my cousins, and my friends and their families. They took all the land there was to take. And then they tried to take the souls of the people with the land.

“They controlled 60 haciendas—or more, with over seven-million acres of land. They owned 500,000 head of cattle, 200,000 sheep, 25,000 horses and 5,000 stubborn mules. If you lived in Torreon or around Torreon you were a peon of the Terrazzas, or you were starving.”

Ca-tunk ca-tunk ca-tunk.

I pointed to the bat and the ball Hector was bouncing off the end of it.

“I believe you have broken your record of 158 bounces,” I said.

“That now is unimportant,” Hector said, “A short, fat man was selling pumpkin seeds from a cart in the Plaza Mayor when Bota’s Chevrolet stopped. Bota bought a small sack for a centavo or two. Then someone twice yelled his name.

“’Bota! Bota!’ Bota stood in the open Chevrolet at waved at the man calling for him.”

“Pumpkin seeds,” I said stupidly.

“Yes, pumpkin seeds. Bota waved and four men with sawed-off shotguns shot him 41 times. Nine times in the head, 19 times in the stomach, with dum-dum bullets. The pumpkin seeds were everywhere.”

Ca-tunk.

Hector caught the ball and put it and the bat down.

“Dead,” I said.

“They shot him into ribbons. So a million people could go hungry while one man could have millions, they shot him.”

“He died with less dignity than a scorpion.”

Hector again picked up the bat and the ball.

Ca-tunk ca-tunk ca-tunk.

“With less dignity than a scorpion many people die,” he spit.

We left the bus together and we walked toward the old stadium.

“We will play tonight,” he said, “And every night until the end of all games that are ever to be played, we will play tonight,” he put his arm around my shoulder, “we will play tonight with dignity.”

“With dignity,” I said.

“There is,” he said, “no other way.”

And we suited up to play. With dignity.






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Wednesday, September 5, 2018

I’m the timesheet police, goddammit.

I’m the timesheet police, goddammit.

And you must respect me.

Respect me for a system was designed in the early 1990s, and runs on server hardware that’s as antiquated as a 1973 Chevy Nova.

Respect me for a system that takes fifteen minutes to load. That makes going back a step is impossible. And that demands you use a preferred browser, like Netscape.

Netscape.

I’m the timesheet police, goddammit.

And you’re 20 minutes late with your timesheets. And I'm pissed.

I don’t care that you’ve been a loyal employee of the holding company for nine years and have regularly gone over and above to get your job done.

I don’t care that you regularly work 60 hour weeks and over weekends and holidays.

My job is to threaten, harass, intimidate and to make highly-compensated senior members of the company feel like meaningless interchangeable cogs in a giant faceless machine that does little but insult and browbeat.

I’m the timesheet police, goddammit.

Yes, I’m just about the only interaction you’ll ever have with the holding company that pays your salary.

Yes, I am the face of the faceless technocrats that run your professional life.

Yes, I am mighty and you are a lowly pawn.

I’ll be bureaucratic, shrill and autocratic in every communication I have with you.

I WILL USE ALL CAPS TO INTIMIDATE YOU.
I will start every email with the word warning.
I will use colored type to frustrateannoy and cow you.
I will make you feel small, unimportant and insignificant.
I will do this on an almost daily basis.


Because I'm the timesheet police, goddammit.

And you're 20 minutes late.

Tuesday, September 4, 2018

Six more things.

My old man, for all his man infelicities and peccadillos, was sometimes touched by the luminous hand of genius. 

Not only did he force my brother, sister and I to sleep with a copy of Homer's "The Iliad" under our pillows (as Philip of Macedon forced onto Alexander the Great) he decided early on that the education that we'd get at normal schools was not going to be nearly good enough for the children he hoped would grow up despite him. 

Accordingly one day he hung a large slate blackboard in our cramped little kitchen and decided he'd write on it, one-a-day, some of the maxims inscribed at the ancient Oracle at Delphi.

He started, of course, with the most famous: "Know thyself," which Socrates expanded into "the unexamined life is not worth living." I was probably only nine or 10 at the time, and this was pretty heady stuff for a kid. There simply wasn't that much of myself, yet, to know.

To be clear, there were 147 maxims at Delphi. Think of the Ten Commandments on Steroids. Or methamphetamines. But my old man, partly because he was seldom home (or seldom sober) focused on those from the "Seven Sages of Greece." That is:

Chilon of Sparta - "Know thyself."
Solon of Athens - "Nothing to excess."
Thales of Miletus - "A pledge comes from madness."
Bias of Priene - "Most men are bad."
Cleobulus of Lindos - "Moderation is the chief good."
Pittacus of Mitylene - "Know thine opportunity."
Periander of Corinth - "Forethought in all things."

I've gotten a lot of play over the last three months because I compiled a list of 60 things that I've learned that have helped me last into my 60th year in advertising. But truth be told, I learned most of what I know from the education that was beaten into me by my old man, a fairly rigorous prep school and college. And then reading an hour every day since college.

In agencies, when we're working or out having a beer after a shoot, or just chit-chatting by the elevators, people look at me strangely when I tell them I read the Greeks and think about shit like this.

However, if I were ever again to run an agency, or even a creative department, I think I'd cross out Bias of Priene and be left with six pretty good thoughts on the kind of place I want to work and I want it to be.

Here's how I see them in the 21st Century AD, not the 6th Century BC.

Know thyself--Be a good person and true to what you regard as good. Be generous, but uncompromising if it compromises your self.
Nothing in excess--Don't go all in for the latest trend, the latest buzzwords. There are no panaceas.
A pledge comes from madness--don't lie or overpromise.
Moderation is the chief good--Very much like nothing in excess. As they used to say in OTB commercials, "bet with your head, not over it."
Know thine opportunity--Strike when you're hot and the opportunity, too, is hot.
Forethought in all things--Don't be rash and lurch after shiny objects. Plan and trust your planners.