Friday, August 14, 2015

Five Minutes with our CFO (Chief Fear Officer.)

Ad Aged: I remember when CFO stood for Chief Financial Officer.

CFO: No. If we kept with that mode of thinking, we'd all belly up and perish. The CFO--The Chief Fear Officer keeps everyone on their toes.

Ad Aged: So what is it that today's CFO does?

CFO: Well, primarily I issue proclamations. Let me run this one in a 300x250 banner space and see if anyone clicks at it. 'We are entering a new modality in which the old rules will be abnegated and new paradigms and cost-exingencies will demand more from agencies at enhanced productivity coefficients."

Ad Aged: That's pretty daunting. Do you mind telling me what it means?

CFO: Well it means what most everything that comes out of the ever-expanding C-suite means. You have to work longer and harder for less money. Or else.

Here's another one: Periodically we have to make strategic reductions in resource alignment to coincide with diminished client expectations due to fluctuations in the new media landscape.

Ad Aged: Translation, please.

CFO: That's easy. It means I'm going to lay your fat ass off.

Ad Aged: Wow, that does the trick. I'm feeling fearful.

CFO: Before you get too comfortable just being afraid--check out this one: "As part of the growth and evolution of our business, we have made some tactical and strategic adjustments of our staffing structure to align with current market needs. Team members will be referred to in-network contingencies.

Ad Aged: That means?

CFO: We're laying you off but will give you some phone numbers at other agencies in our holding company.

Ad Aged: Any final remarks?

CFO: Yes. Are you writing this on company time?

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