Agency Eye Test.

When I close my right eye and look out at what's left of the world with my left, it's like looking through a dirty window. James Wong Howe was the cameraman on Alexander Mackendrick's 1957 masterpiece "The Sweet Smell of Success." Howe was said to have coated Burt Lancaster's eyeglasses with a light film to make Lancaster look more sinister and impenetrable. That's what the world looks like through my left eye.

Not that today the world needs more help looking sinister.

You can catch a glimpse of Howe's work--and part of a great movie--in this well-worth-watching eight-minutes. I guarantee you'll get more essence from those few minutes than you would from a lifetime of agency meeting rooms and a Tower of Babel construction made up of un-read client decks.

In any event, I have to visit a doctor to have the beginnings of a cataract removed from my left eye. A friend down the block is a retired eye doctor. He recommended a nearby eye doctor do the surgery. Dr. Hwang, I'm told, is well-educated and very experienced. She's done probably thousands of cataract operations.

That's well and good, I thought. 

Educated.

Experienced.

But what if I decided to look to hire a doctor the same way agency holding companies suggest their clients hire an agency or staff an account.

So much for diversity. If you're offering someone $35K for a job in New York,
the employee almost has to have rich parents.

CLIENT (ME):

You know, we only get two eyes--and while cataract surgery is hardly complex, I want someone who's done thousands dealing with my robin's-egg-blue eyes. Paul Newman fans will practically insist I protect what I've got.

HOLDING COMPANY:
We've got some people with a lot of downtime. They can do it. And it'll be cheaper.

CLIENT:
Well, even though they're my eyes, I don't mind saving money. Are they good doctors?

HOLDING COMPANY:

The people with downtime? They're not doctors at all. They're agency media-landscapers and they're slow right now. They can do it. Cataract surgery these days is really routine. 

CLIENT:

Media-Landscapers?

HOLDING COMPANY:

What's more, they'll make your cataracts a part of culture. They'll be playing Dua Lipa on their Beats ear pods during the surgery.

CLIENT:

A part of culture? I just want to be able to see clearly from my left eye.

HOLDING COMPANY:

Probably you'll see better with between 35% and 68% of your left eye. The surgery is scoped for just twenty minutes. We'll get most of it done in that time. Your vision won't be perfect but the price will be competitive.

CLIENT: 
What about the rest of my occlusion?

HOLDING COMPANY:

Oh we won't leave you--or your eyeball--hanging. Your budget opens up in Q4 or we could use your eye to stop clear-cutting the Amazonian rain-forest and enter in it Cannes.

CLIENT:

Enter my cataract in Cannes?

HOLDING COMPANY:

Your award-winning cataract. We're doing the surgery in concert with Verizon, our largest client. They're donating a used scalpel to a diverse community every time someone signs up for a triple-play cataract bundle. It's just $49/month for unlimited dropped calls, bad service and access to 121 home shopping networks. It's sure to win a Lion.

CLIENT:

But if we're out of scope to finish the job, am I walking around with an oozing left eyeball?

HOLDING COMPANY:

Remember, we promised we won't leave you hanging--or even drooping. We'll offshore the remainder of your surgery to the subcontinent. We call it Borderless Ophthalmology™!

CLIENT:
Borderless ophthalmology?

HOLDING COMPANY:
Yes. And you forgot the ™. Borderless Ophthalmology™ takes place at the intersection of Sepsis and Overcharging and Hidden Fees.™ It's ™'d. Don'tcha see, so it must be legit™.

Iris out.

(Film joke. Eye joke. Chef's kiss.)