My Next Job.

I don't believe in reincarnation, reincarceration, or any sort of rebirth after death. But if it turns out I'm wrong and after I perish I am forced to come back to life on this planet, I know exactly what I want to come back as.

I want to be the guy who has the government contract to print government posters.

I'm sure whichever crony-patronage person got the assignment, he (I'm sure it's a he) probably got $5000 for printing Hegseth's name plate plus another $12,500 because it was an over-night job.

A sign like this below, probably earned someone $50K. The printing itself might have cost $1,000. But the flag stock art and finding someone who could spell accomplished probably sent the charges skyrocketing.

That Mission Accomplished sign, however, is not where the money is. We don't accomplish that many missions after all. Especially the ones we say we do. Signs like this below are where the gravy is.

The sign-maker probably got vigged for using two colors, and two fonts. Plus they had to break the type. Plus they had to be able to spell "beautiful," put an outline on the thing and find stock art of the amerikan flag from some Chinese stock-photo company.

I'd betcha it cost tax payers $75,000 per. With no economies of scale if they ordered one-hundred, and a disposal fee of an extra $25,000 if they had to throw out the left-overs.

But the real chance for money for someone with my talents is not just making the signs themselves--though that would put me in a twelve-room apartment on Central Park West in the 70s. The real chance for me is coming up with good names for various government shams the government tries to sell as necessary.

The bombing of Iran, which probably cost one-billion simoleons, and is expected to delay Iran's bomb-building by just sixty days, means the "unprecedented total success," cost taxpayers almost $17,000,000 per day of delay. (Please note: there is more "spin" over the effectiveness or ineffectiveness of Operation Leaky Faucet--or whatever they named it--than there is in the centrifuges they claim they destroyed.)

I'd imagine that this sign, roughly what an agency intern could make in keynote in twelve minutes, cost about $250,000. Look! They blew up (no pun intended) part of the map. Plus, the designer's security-clearance probably cost another $100,000 because he's probably a Russian agent. 

Where I'd really shine though is coming up with mission names. Though I'm a Jew and don't really know anything about tools, I'd have changed Operation Midnight Hammer to Operation Ratchet-Head Screwdriver. Or Operation Call the Super.

During Vietnam, whoever was handling the naming of killing civilians by dumb bombs from planes flown by teenagers dropping munitions on people living in straw huts, was really good at his job. Check out these:

Operation Black Lion.
Operation Strength.
Operation Desert Rat.
Operation Tailwind.
Operation Counterpunch.
Operation Honorable Dragon.
Operation Left Jab.
Operation Off Balance.
Operation Barrel Roll.

I know it's not unusual for old ad people like myself to say how much better writing was in the old days. But these names for indiscriminate killing almost make you proud to be an amerikan and a baby killer.

If I were close to the felon-in-chief, I could help make operation names great again. Sure, I'd charge a Tesla-load for my services, but I could help the administration turn a profit by selling exclusive marketing rights with names like these.

Imagine:

Operation Most Reliable 5G Network, brought to you by Verizon.
Operation Prime from Amazon. Free delivery on exclusive high-explosives for brown people.
Operation Monsanto. Dropping munitions and cancer. For you.

--

By the way, back in 1955, Ford Motor Company had hired ad agency Foote Cone and Belding to come up with names for their new car division. They came up with over 6,000 options. None of which were chosen.

A Ford VP, paid Marianne Moore, who had won a National Book Award, a Pulitzer Prize and had been nominated for a Nobel Prize in Literature, to come up with more names.

Here's Moore's list.
Eventually they named the car after Henry II's son: Edsel.

The Ford Silver Sword

Hirundo

Aerundo

Hurricane Hirundo (swallow)

Hurricane Aquila (eagle)

Hurricane Accipter (hawk)

The Impeccable

Symmechromatic

Thunderblender

The Resilient Bullet

Intelligent Bullet

Bullet Cloisoné

Bullet Lavolta

The Arc-en-Ciel (the rainbow)

Arcenciel

Mongoose Civique

Anticipator

Regna Racer (couronne a couronne) sovereign to sovereign

Aeroterre

Fée Rapide (Aerofee, Aero Faire, Fee Aiglette, Magi-faire) Comme Il Faire

Tonnere Alifère (winged thunder)

Aliforme Alifère (wing-slender a-wing)

Turbotorc (used as an adjective by Plymouth)

Thunderbird Allié (Cousin Thunderbird)

Thunder Crester

Dearborn Diamanté

Magigravure

Pastelogram

Regina-Rex

Taper Racer

Varsity Stroke

Angelastro

Astranaut

Chaparral

Tir á l'arc (bull's eye)

Cresta Lark

Triskelion (three legs running)

Pluma Piluma (hairfine, feather-foot)

Adante con Moto (description of a good motor?)

Turcotinga (turqoise cotinga-the cotinga being a South-American finch or sparrow) solid indigo.

Utopian Turtletop