Friends, Sychophants, Members of the Ad Press Who Do Nothing But Reprint Press Releases and Cannes Judges,
For some time now--for years, if not decades, every agency and every process designed to produce award-winning work, you know, the kind of work that, by definition never runs and has no commercial impact, has been dutifully proclaiming itself to be Customer-Centric.
"We put the customer at the center of everything we do," declares one.
"We specialize in customer-centricity," says another.
"We look to be people-focused and focused on the focus of people," says yet a third.
"While everyone is zigging, and some are zagging, our agency, YROMPQSRTEFFDIJK & P, a subsidiary of almost everyone, have a brand-new agency dedicated to zogging. In time pulling together, we will advance to zugging, and eventually scale the heights of zegging.
"So, while everyone else is zigging, we'll be zegging. While other agencies are Human Centric, we will be Human Oblique™. We will put humans off to one side of all our communication."
YROMPQSRTEFFDIJK & P brand planner and Executive Director of Executive Directors, Tiffany Firepit, said, "the core of our philosophy at YROMPQSRTEFFDIJK & P is to do something different. It's to zog, zug, zeg and sometimes zyg while the rest of the industry zigs and zags.
By doing that, we will be fulfilling the highest mission of YROMPQSRTEFFDIJK & P. We put the customer off to one-side in our advertising. That's why we believe in Human Obliquity."
YROMPQSRTEFFDIJK & P client Miles Togo said "The agency does a great job aligning with our belief in the customer not mattering at all. YROMPQSRTEFFDIJK & P shoves the customer off to one side and doesn't consider them or their needs at all. We'll tell them what we think and we don't really care about them or their desires."
Firepit continued, "Nothing makes us feel more important than making the customer feel unimportant. Other agencies can pretend they follow the notion of customer-centricity. We say, the hell with pretense. We're proud to shit on our customers. Customer-obliquity is our obloquy and we embrace it.
"That's why at YROMPQSRTEFFDIJK & P, we're proud to not give a shit about anyone."