Wednesday, July 4, 2007

I don't know if this is real or not.

But it appears real. It is an email forwarded to me by a friend with a long cc-list of real names and an e-signature with a real name and title. Real or not, it has that whole verisimilitude thing going and is therefore, worth reading.

Dear Co-Workers and Managers,

As many of you probably know, today is my last day. But before I leave, I
wanted to take this opportunity to let you know what a great and distinct
pleasure it has been to type "Today is my last day."

For nearly as long as I've worked here, I've hoped that I might one day
leave this company. And now that this dream has become a reality, please
know that I could not have reached this goal without your unending lack of
support. Words cannot express my gratitude for the words of gratitude you
did not express.

I would especially like to thank all of my managers both past and present
but with the exception of the wonderful Saroj Hariprashad: in an age where
miscommunication is all too common, you consistently impressed and inspired
me with the sheer magnitude of your misinformation, ignorance and
intolerance for true talent.
It takes a strong man to admit his mistake - it
takes a stronger man to attribute his mistake to me.

Over the past seven years, you have taught me more than I could ever ask for
and, in most cases, ever did ask for. I have been fortunate enough to work
with some absolutely interchangeable supervisors on a wide variety of
seemingly identical projects - an invaluable lesson in overcoming daily
tedium in overcoming daily tedium in overcoming daily tedium.

Your demands were high and your patience short, but I take great solace
knowing that my work was, as stated on my annual review, "meets
expectation." That is the type of praise that sends a man home happy after a
10 hour day, smiling his way through half a bottle of meets expectation
scotch with a meets expectation cigar. Thanks Trish!

And to most of my peers: even though we barely acknowledged each other
within these office walls, I hope that in the future, should we pass on the
street, you will regard me the same way as I regard you: sans eye contact.

But to those few souls with whom I've actually interacted, here are my
personalized notes of farewell:

To Philip Cress, I will not miss hearing you cry over absolutely nothing
while laying blame on me and my coworkers. Your racial comments about Joe
Cobbinah were truly offensive and I hope that one day you might gain the
strength to apologize to him.

To Brenda Ashby whom is long gone, I hope you find a manager that treats you
as poorly as you have treated us. I worked harder for you then any manager
in my career and I regret every ounce of it. Watching you take credit for my
work was truly demoralizing.

To Sylvia Keenan, you should learn how to keep your mouth shut sweet heart.
Bad mouthing the innocent is a negative thing, especially when your talking
about someone who knows your disgusting secrets. ; )

To Bob Malvin (Mr. Cronyism Jr), well, I wish you had more of a back bone.
You threw me to the wolves with that witch Brenda and I learned all too much
from it. I still can't believe that after following your instructions, I
ended up getting written up, wow. Thanks for the experience buddy, lesson

Don Merritt (Mr. Cronyism Sr), I'm happy that you were let go in the same
manner that you have handed down to my dedicated coworkers. Hearing you on
the phone last year brag about how great bonuses were going to be for you
fellas in upper management because all of the lay offs made me nearly vomit.
I never expected to see management benefit financially from the suffering of
scores of people but then again, with this company's rooted history in the
slave trade it only makes sense.

To all of the executives of this company, Jamie Dimon and such. Despite
working through countless managers that practiced unethical behavior,
racism, sexism, jealousy and cronyism, I have benefited tremendously by
working here and I truly thank you for that. There was once a time where
hard work was rewarded and acknowledged, it's a pity that all of our
positive output now falls on deaf ears and passes blind eyes. My advice for
you is to place yourself closer to the pulse of this company and enjoy the
effort and dedication of us "faceless little people" more. There are many
great people that are being over worked and mistreated but yet are still
loyal not to those who abuse them but to the greater mission of providing
excellent customer support. Find them and embrace them as they will help
battle the cancerous plague that is ravishing the moral of this company.

So, in parting, if I could pass on any word of advice to the lower salary
recipient ("because it's good for the company") in India or Tampa who will
soon be filling my position, it would be to cherish this experience because
a job opportunity like this comes along only once in a lifetime.

Meaning: if I had to work here again in this lifetime, I would sooner kill

To those who I have held a great relationship with, I will miss being your
co-worker and will cherish our history together. Please don't bother
responding as at this very moment I am most likely in my car doing 85 with
the windows down listening to Biggie.



Unknown said...

real or not, it's a true reflection of how scores of people feel about work life today.

dawife said...

Yes, we could all write a good portion of this, but how fast would IT delete it?