Thursday, November 8, 2012

Aunt Louise.

Since Sandy ravaged the tri-state area, crazy Aunt Louise has been staying in our apartment. Crazy Aunt Louise is 79-years-old and lives in Elizabeth, New Jersey which has been without power for almost two weeks now. So rather than leave Crazy Aunt Louise in the dark and cold she has decamped here, taking over a fair lot of territory in our 1,500 square feet.

Crazy Aunt Louise is indeed crazy. She has a true mental handicap--undiagnosed--that leaves her functioning at about a 4th or 5th grade level. That said, she was able to hold a job, menial as it was, for 50 years and now lives on Social Security, medicare and the small pension she's accumulated through the years.

There's virtually nothing either my wife or I do that Crazy Aunt Louise doesn't comment on. In fact, she comments on everything she sees or hears, whether it's something my seven-month-old puppy, Whiskey, does or something she hears on TV.

Here are some things she doesn't understand or approve of. This is just a partial list.

-Why we don't have a washer-dryer.
-Why the dog "licks everything."
-Why do we walk the dog in the rain.
-Why the radio is talking about same-sex marriage.
-Why we eat dinner so late.
-Why I drink orange juice in the morning.
-Why my daughters scuba dive.
-Why the handle on the dish-washer is recessed.
-Why she should vote because she doesn't care less.
-Why is Daniel Craig is unhappy playing James Bond though he gets millions.
-Matzoh with Mediterranean flavoring.
-Michael Bloomberg.
-Why the milk is out on the kitchen table.
-Where we take our garbage.
-Why I come home so late.
-Why my wife has to empty the dishwasher while I am in the living room.
-Why is our third bedroom 'hidden.'

The low-point of our "Aunt-Louise-experience" was when her bathroom ran out of toilet paper. She didn't think to look in the cabinet under the sink, where I suppose 99% of the world keeps a spare roll or two. Instead she went to the kitchen and used dinner napkins.

It's no joy having Crazy Aunt Louise over. Not a single one of her many idiosyncrasies is endearing. Not a single one.

And that's all I have to say about the matter.


dave trott said...

You and your wife are saints.
I couldn't do it.

Rich Siegel said...

Your aunt should meet my uncle Ronald. Except he is gay. And can be a little cranky.

Hannah said...

uh what about her doilies? thats almost endearing said...

But some day when we become as old as her we all might become not so endearing!