It is a melancholy object to those who walk through this great land, or travel in the country, when they see the streets, the roads and cabbin-doors crowded with the bodies and limbs and severed parts and great quantities of blood abound. These gruesome sights do importune and insult the senses of all who pass by. This condition of the present deplorable state of gunshot victims is both an insult and affront to all. These bodies and body parts doth lay there providing no publick weal or well-being in the least.
Now there is no prospect for the diminishment of those struck down by Gunfire, either from villains, their own hand or from those beings which we call domeftic terrorists, active shooters or, simply, Mad men. No, we must posit that a multitude of deaths from gun-fire is as American as frozen Apple Pie made with dessicated and reconstituted ersatz Chinese apples.
Given that We as a Society can do nothing to prevent or curtail the forty-thousand children, women and men who are brought down by semi-automatic weaponry capable of firing prodigiously, on the order of fifty rounds a minute or double that when over-writ with a bumstock.
Those forty-thousand souls are a blight upon this land, dominating the news media, prefidential press conferences, and the anodyne blatherings of spineless apologists for the industry that propagates such weaponry and carnage.
Now I ask, what of these forty-thousand souls? Why and what have they done to receive the great good beneficence of our Thoughts and Prayers?
What if instead on mere ecclesiastical blandishments, we instead regarded those forty-thousand souls not merely as lifeless forms but as providing more for those who hath survived and must live a life of agony due to their untimely loss due to their inpropitious bodies receiving an armor-penetrating slug at a speed of more than half a mile per second.
As a society we must heal from these deaths. Not with thoughts and prayers. Such homilies will bring no utility to dead forms. But instead of thoughts and prayers, perhaps ketchup and sesame seed rolls.
For simple mathematics will calculate that forty-thousand bodies at an average weight of one-hundred and fifty-pounds each could render us six-million pounds of fresh and eminently edible meats. In more useful consideration, those six-million pounds of meat could deliver unto us twenty-four million quarter-pound hamburgers or if you would so prefer being nonsensical in your use of modern linguistics, hamberders.
At once, merely by the simple instrument of exchanging for thoughts and prayers ketchup and sesame seed rolls, we have transformed these forty-thousand dead souls from a blight unto our nation to a lunch-time repast for every resident of New York, Chicago, Los Angeles, Houston, Dallas, Philadelphia and Phoenix combined.
Thus transforming the tragedies visited upon our land caused by these forty-thousand dead into a beneficence is an emanation devoutly to be wished. For whom does say that there is no such thing as a free lunch. Yet here is such a repast for twenty-four million.
I profess, in the sincerity of my heart, that I have not the least personal interest in endeavouring to promote this necessary work, having no other motive than the publick good of my country, by ridding ourselves of these daily reminders of the great good beneficence of the National Rifle Association, Senator Moscow Mitch McConnell, the entire Republican patriarchy and sundry other complicit conspirators and pusillanimous politicians. I will profit not a single penny from this proposal, I remain yours, & c.