It is a melancholy object to those who walk through this great
land, or travel in the country, when they see the streets, the roads and
cabbin-doors crowded with the bodies and limbs and severed parts and great
quantities of blood abound. These gruesome sights do importune and insult the
senses of all who pass by. This condition of the present deplorable state of
gunshot victims is both an insult and affront to all. These bodies and body
parts doth lay there providing no publick weal or well-being in the least.
Now there is no prospect for the diminishment of those struck down
by Gunfire, either from villains, their own hand or from those beings which we
call domeftic terrorists, active shooters or, simply, Mad men. No, we must posit that a multitude of deaths from gun-fire is as American as frozen Apple Pie made with dessicated and reconstituted ersatz Chinese apples.
Given that We as a Society can do nothing to prevent or curtail
the forty-thousand children, women and men who are brought down by
semi-automatic weaponry capable of firing prodigiously, on the order of fifty
rounds a minute or double that when over-writ with a bumstock.
Those forty-thousand souls are a blight upon this land, dominating
the news media, prefidential press conferences, and the anodyne blatherings of
spineless apologists for the industry that propagates such weaponry and
carnage.
Now I ask, what of these forty-thousand souls? Why and what have
they done to receive the great good beneficence of our Thoughts and Prayers?
What if instead on mere ecclesiastical blandishments, we instead
regarded those forty-thousand souls not merely as lifeless forms but as
providing more for those who hath survived and must live a life of agony due to
their untimely loss due to their inpropitious bodies receiving an
armor-penetrating slug at a speed of more than half a mile per second.
As a society we must heal from these deaths. Not with thoughts and
prayers. Such homilies will bring no utility to dead forms. But instead of
thoughts and prayers, perhaps ketchup and sesame seed rolls.
For simple mathematics will calculate that forty-thousand bodies
at an average weight of one-hundred and fifty-pounds each could render us
six-million pounds of fresh and eminently edible meats. In more useful
consideration, those six-million pounds of meat could deliver unto us
twenty-four million quarter-pound hamburgers or if you would so prefer being
nonsensical in your use of modern linguistics, hamberders.
At once, merely by the simple instrument of exchanging for
thoughts and prayers ketchup and sesame seed rolls, we have transformed these
forty-thousand dead souls from a blight unto our nation to a lunch-time repast
for every resident of New York, Chicago, Los Angeles, Houston, Dallas,
Philadelphia and Phoenix combined.
Thus transforming the tragedies visited upon our land caused by
these forty-thousand dead into a beneficence is an emanation devoutly to be wished. For whom
does say that there is no such thing as a free lunch. Yet here is such a repast
for twenty-four million.
I profess, in the sincerity of my heart, that I have not the least
personal interest in endeavouring to promote this necessary work, having no
other motive than the publick good of my country, by ridding ourselves of these
daily reminders of the great good beneficence of the National Rifle
Association, Senator Moscow Mitch McConnell, the entire Republican patriarchy
and sundry other complicit conspirators and pusillanimous politicians. I will profit
not a single penny from this proposal, I remain yours, & c.
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