Thursday, December 16, 2021

Next year's out-of-office responses. This year.


Out of Office season is upon us. To make "crafting" those all-important messages a trifle easier, I've worked with two excellent writers, and supplied a couple dozen for your convenience, below.

[The wonderful Andrea Scotting helped me. Andrea's one of those rare birds. She can be funny on demand and she's generous with her wit. Andrea wrote most of the funny ones below.  

Also, my wife, Laura Tannenbaum helped me as well. She's an unusually talented writer. And makes a mean brisket. She wrote the remainder of the funny ones.]

I'll be out of the office through the 9th. The planet is on fire and I'm choking on toxic cow-flatulence.

Thank you for your note. I'll be out of the office suffering from work burnout and 1.5 percent raises every 36 months. I'll return your email when the vultures are removed from vulture capitalism.

I'm out of the office looking for ad people who are over 60. Apparently, they've gone missing.

I'm out of the office looking for ad people who are over 50. Apparently, they've gone missing.

I'm out of the office looking for ad people who are over 40. Apparently, they've gone missing.

Thank you for your email. The holding company failed to pay our electric bill and I did not receive your message until just now.

In metaverse counting my NFTs. HMU on Google+.

I will attend to your note when I return to the office July 9. For the next two weeks I will be crafting my radically collaborative narrative journey and having conversations about brands, particularly brands dedicated to eradicating ocean plastic from our ecosystem by 2080.

I am currently out of the office because I realized there are more important things in the world than your banner ad. Will get back to you when pigs take flight.


Sorry I am not available right now, but I just learned how to use TikTok. So I probably won’t be available for a while.


I am currently out of the office getting a booster for my booster.


I am currently unavailable because I am trying to build a brand on TikTok. This could take a while. Do you know any influencers?

Polishing my Cannes Lions. Seeya in 2023.


Thank you for your email! I am planning on not reading it.


Apologies, I currently have limited email access due to lousy wifi provided by Spectru


I’ve been on Zoom focus groups for three days. If you’re receiving this message, send help. And M&Ms.

Aplgees 4 latt repsobse. Agncy disabbed splle ckk as cost savgn.

Sorry, I can't respond right now. I was 20 minutes late on next month's timesheet and was locked out of the system.

I thought we lost your account. You sat on our latest crash and burn assignment for six months with no response whatsoever.

Hello. I'm taking off through next Thursday. Apparently, my wife had a baby I haven't met yet.

Thank you for your note and apologies for the delayed response. I was either disrupting an industry or reinventing one.

Hello! I tried to write back sooner, but this email has gone through 17 rounds of revisions before my boss said it was ok to send.

Sorry for the delayed response. I was trying to figure out what the phrase 'borderless creativity' means.

Thank you for your patience. It was mandated that we return to the office so our bosses looked good and we all got Covid.

Thank you for your note. I tried to return it sooner. But when I returned to the office, the office was gone.

It was a pleasure receiving your note. I am an inveterate liar.

Thanks for your note. I can't respond, I was fired for hearkening back to the 80s.

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