Monday, December 20, 2021

Ad Aged's Second Annual Holiday Gift Issue, Part One.

 For your favorite planner, media director or pompousticator, the Ad Aged Offical Big Bag of Meaningless Charts. All your soon-to-be favorites are here.

  • The 8-sided quadrant.
  • The hundreds of small dots on either side of a straight line.
  • The bar chart in undifferentiated shades of blue...And
  • The piker's pie chart. (We're such pikers, it has only one slice.)

Perhaps you've put on a few unwanted layers of avoirdupois this
year, what with sitting on 47 hours of Zoom calls in a purported 40-hour week. The Jumping to Conclusions Trampoline is the ideal gift for that lately-chubby colleague. Hop aboard, shout out something banal like "Moms are busier than ever," or "People are tired of Covid," and call it an insight. You'll be shedding pounds (and brain cells) in no time.

The first extension compatible with Zoom, Microsoft Teams and Google Meet, The Charlie Brown Voice Modulator turns anyone's droning into beautiful symphonic trombone whomps. You never again have to hear sentences like, "There are 17 first priorities," or "I know we took eight weeks to come up with a brief, but the creative is due tomorrow," or "Yeah, that 720x90 banner is good--but it won't win at Cannes."

You know the endless, terribly-acted and amateurishly-produced Holding Company's Compliance Videos some C-level executive's brother-in-law produces for $1,000 and charges the Holding Company $1,000,000 for? Everyone MUST watch them (except the C-level executives actually fined $19 million for bribing people.) The Compliance Video Answer Guide is the gift for you. All the answers, all right here, all for a small consideration.

The RTO (Return to Office Survival Kit.) A two-part gift for that two-faced colleague who's probably double-dipping so she can pay her rent. First, the Cubicle Trap Door. With one touch of a button you can rid yourself of that over-the-shoulder "move-it-over-half-a-pixel" collaborator. Second, the Human Resources Moat--that's right an actual moat around your cube filled with feral HR people designed to keep even-more-feral HR people away from you. Especially this season when there are more HR people than there are creatives.

The "I Wish George Still Worked Here," Stand-Up-a-Tron. Missing the comic relief of George now that he's given up ungainful Holding Company employment for gainful self-employment? These uproarious hi-jinx will help fill-the-void until you hire him freelance to save your proverbial keister. This is a gift that really gets no respect. 

PART TWO, tomorrow or so.

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