Wednesday, September 22, 2021

Welcome to our new agency.

We're all about creativity. 
Except when we're all about data.

We want to be the world's most creative company.
That's why we fired most of our most creative people.

We generate shareholder value
by undervaluing our employees.

We're "agents,"
but most interested in self-promotion.

We're completely borderless.
Except don't you dare step foot on the Executive floor.

We're family.
You're fired.

We're looking for innovation.
Tested and focus-group-approved innovation.

We're all for diversity.
As long as it doesn't include people making a lot of money.

We're all for diversity.
Except for senior management at the holding company.

Awards aren't important.
Except when we win them.

We're working to make the world a better place.
By doing banner ads for Hot Pockets.

We believe in data
but only when it supports our POV.

We support privacy
as long as we can retarget ads.

We care about our people.
Enough to offer no severance.

We hire bright, ambitious people.
Willing to work for raises half the rate of inflation.

We believe in work-life balance.
As long as the balance is 80:20.

We're all in this together.
Except we take limos home and you can't expense a cab.

We're all family.
We're the step-mother and you're Cinderella.

We're media agnostic.
As long as we lead with TV.

A big idea can come from anywhere.
Just not from our agency.

Content is king.
That's why ours usually looks cheap and is badly written.

Innovate or die.
Or at least, innovate or get a head cold.

Words matter.
That's why our creative department is lead by two designers.

We care about you.
Stale bagels available at cost when you work the weekend.

Work is supposed to be fun.
Just not for you.

If we hire people bigger than ourselves, we'll be a company of giants.
"Hi, Shorty."

We hire all types.
Just not all opinions.

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