Thursday, March 25, 2021

The Holding Company Town Hall.

Welcome friends and all those friends who have not yet been fired.

Welcome to our first Holding-Company-wide Zoom Town Hall of 2021. 

Welcome, it's been quite a year. 2020. Whew. But, while we had some setbacks, like losing seven of our six biggest accounts, or is it ten out of our biggest nine accounts, my friends, the past is behind us and our behinds are past us.

And as we move forward into a brighter 2021, we are already seeing the green shoots of recovery. Or shooting the green seas of recovery, whichever comes first.

My friends, our goal as a holding company is to be the most under-valued by those who most under-value brands. We will forge new paths, grasp new horizons and advance the ball. We will blaze new trails of gibberish and technobabble. We will prove the value of minutia on the most minute scale possible all while narrowing our focus, focusing on the narrow and making sure our focus remains laser-focused on c-suite bonuses and the largeness of largess.

Lofty goals, to be sure.

And how, you ask, in these times of constrained budgets, how will we get there?

Simple, my friends. 

We will get there through our unique combination of creative-centricity and focusing on the centricity and eccentricity of creativity. 

Now, of course, talk is cheap. Unless it comes from a consultant. Then talk is expensive. But as any of our 23,275 consultants will tell you, at the very core of creativity is creativity. And so, as we both forge a path forward and forge a check backwards, we will focus on creativity, creativity, creativity.

How, you may ask. And if you do ask, we will probably fire you. But how?

We will focus on creativity by first focusing on firing all creatives who have experience in being creative. We will replace old people--people who hearken back to the 1980s, people with television sets, people who read...books, with creative people who have never done any of those things before, but who have instead grown up both as digital natives and natively and naively digital. Their ability to think in increments of 140 characters will help us at Interscammyconcom transform businesses of all sizes into businesses of smaller sizes. As we have done with our own business. We will lead business transformations by transforming big businesses, including our own, into much smaller businesses. Small means agile and agile means robust and robust means a stand-up scrum. We will be defined by our lack of definition and be noticeable in our dedication to work that never gets noticed.

Creativity. Creativity. Creativity.


We will spend $200 million on building a brand new bespoke data consultancy from the ground up. Data will make us creative as creative will make us dated. This is about the fusion and confusion and defusing of synergies and sin-orgies, that will drive our creative product forward.

We will invest in creative by investing in data. We will invest in creative by firing all creatives. We will invest in creative by not paying creatives. As we devalue, so do we value. As we disrespect, so we respect. As we lie, so to do we tell the truth. The longest journey begins with a single schtup and so on.

At Interscammyconcom, it's all about creative and creativity and creative posturing.

But mostly, friends, creative accounting. Which is the only reason I still have a job. If I still have a job.


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