Friday, February 19, 2021

A Modern Holding Company Phone Tree.


You have reached the automated response system of GeorgeCo., LLC, a Delaware Company. Please listen closely as our menu options have changed. Para Espanol, marque el nΓΊmero dos.

For Generic Agency "About" copy, press one.

For Generic Senior Executive apology copy, press two.

For Generic Service Provider copy, press three.

For Generic We've Laid Everyone Off copy, press four.

For Generic Business Transformation copy, press five.

To repeat these options, press six. Or stay on the line and a representative will be with you never. This call may be monitored to assure lack of quality. 274.

The Generic Agency "About" copy: 
At WinterPubicGroupGroupeGrope, we help brands win. In the ever-shifting media landscape we turn potential into performance and performance into positivity and we negatively charge that positivity to reach new levels.™ That's how we help brands keep and grow their customers, like they're hogs being fattened for the kill. It's through people-centric-centricity™ and experiential experiences™ that enhance the experience of expectations that our people-based Smartketing™ leads to new growth strategies some of which involve getting larger and more profitable.

We have 151 offices in 251 cities around the world and the ecosystem of eczema which will allow us the agility of virility and fragility as well as oops, I spillity. We're always exploring new ways to put people at the people-centricity™ of customer-focused customer-centricity™ with the secondary goal of putting people first.™

The Generic "Executive Apology" copy: 
Recently a statement was attributed to me, owing to me actually saying that statement, when in fact that statement did not say what I meant it to say and subsequently was interpreted in a way that was too closely aligned with its actual meaning and intent, according to my phalanx of lawyers and PR professionals. My children. Misinterpretation. Stress of work. Unintentional. I express my contrition and constipation for those I may have not been sorry about.

Generic "Corporate Provider of Anything" copy: 
Our commitment to not being committed to long-term sustainability includes listening carefully to those who are involved with, affected by, or make obscene amounts of money from our business. To that end, we are pleased to present a new vision for an infrastructure project that will serve as the gold standard for tarnishing the environment.

We will deliver vital energy and football tickets to our C-suite while running commercials where we depict our concern for energy-hungry Americans who look like stock photos. In a  socially responsible manner and to the highest safety and environmental standards we will be socially irresponsible while lowering safety and environmental standards that our expensive lobbyists have already eviscerated.

Our commitment to creating
 a sustainable future for all remains, as always, unsustainable.

Generic "We've Laid Off Everyone" Copy.
As the shifting media landscape continues to be both shifty and ever-shifting, Management has had to make some difficult decisions in order to adjust our staffing arrangements, protocols and exigencies to the shifting staffs of our ever-shifting shift.

As Client needs and the modern marketing social dynamic programmatic digital nimble crm optimized toolkit continues to evolve we are adjusting our old tools to new realities and while bringing in a host of new tools which will surely fulfill the necessary unnecessaries of giving the appearance to shareholders that we are shifting the ever-shifting shiftirization while we shift an ever-greater portion of our diminishing revenues YOY to shiftless people who can't shift for themselves.

While times like these are always difficult, we are in this together, except for me. I am confident I will emerge stronger, more financially secure and better poised for an even more important figurehead position in the not-so-distant future.

Generic "Business Transformation" copy:
Every business is on the cusp of the edge of the precipice of the abyss of perpetual, ever-lasting and eternally evolving change. To stay ahead of that change, we have to transform while transforming transformational transformation. Transforming change so it changes transformation in a transformational and dynamic nexus of transformative change. We work with sustainable and leading-edge leaders who lead the transforming and innovative strategies for digital inclusion and future-looking forward-thinking. We operate at the intersection of data, analytics, creative and robust Colombian coffee from hand-picked robust virgin Arabica beans roasted to a robust transformational robust agility. 

Generic "Rotten Blog Post Apology" copy:
Sorry this sucked. It seemed like a good idea at the time.

No comments: