Monday, November 23, 2020

The advertising industry's holiday gift guide.

With the holidays fast approaching, we once again face those challenging seasonal questions. What do I get for the ad person in my life--what can I give them that they'll want to start using even before the wrapping paper hits the floor? 

Is there something perfect for that persnickety art director? Something that will make your manic-depressive copywriter smile? How about that ever-so-demanding account person?

Most of all, how about the Holding Company scion who already owns most-everything in the world? What can you get him or him that will make him as happy as bonusing himself after a 20% reduction in force?

At Ad Aged, we've scoured the world to bring you the best things you can give to some of the worst people. 

The Bloody hell Arm Wrap.
Your project manager is looming. The latest client presentation is only 109-pages and it's going in front of the client at 10AM. Your job--the PM tells you--is to write 29 mobile ads and six or twelve social campaigns post-haste.

Fortunately, some loved one gave you, the "I-can't-write-your- social-campaign,-I'm-bleeding-to-death" arm-covering™. Not only will you get out of yet another meaningless assignment of churning out deck-fodder, you'll just possibly be able to go home a bit early--like by 11:15 PM. 

Just $79.99 at the Ad Aged gift shop. Continental US only. Ask about our special pre-merger "I'll be unemployed soon" discounts for WPP employees.


You're on a roll.
Another all-caps email from a petty functionary working in a Holding Company sweat-shop somewhere on the sub-continent. You know the sort. THIS IS YOUR FINAL WARNING!!! YOUR TIMESHEET IS FOUR MINUTES OVERDUE!!! COMPLY IMMEDIATELY OR YOU WILL BE LOCKED OUT OF THE SYSTEM AND RECIRCUMCSIZED--WHETHER YOU'RE MALE OR FEMALE. CHEERS!!!

Fortunately, someone's given you your own two-ply ultra-cushiony roll of timesheet toilet paper. Next time you're off to the loo, you know just what to do! In just minutes you can fill in all those fake hours. With more paper per roll and with each time-sheet perforated for your convenience, now it's easy to "spill and fill." No, thank you!!!

Package of four rolls, just $19.99 at the Ad Aged gift shop or wherever fine toilet paper and employee harassment are sold.


The sands of time.
It's a dilemma--no, a crisis the entire industry is dealing with. With the Sands of Time 6-second glass, your problems are over.

Sure you've been relegated to creating six-second spots in the basement production studio for less than the price of a pastrami sandwich at Katz's (Dr. Brown's cream soda not included). Sure you're spending nights and weekends working on "creative" no one will ever see and that will have absolutely no salutary effect on a brand, but thanks to that certain someone who's gifted you with the Sands of Time 6-second timer, your spots will come in not a frame over. Frame over? Game over!!!

Just $39.99 at the Ad Aged gift shop. Additional seconds available at just $12.99/second. Not recommended for pharma commercials. 


Hark, it's the 80's. The perfect gift for that creative in your life, a genuine Awards Annual from the 80s. (Year of Awards Annual may vary.)

It's over 300-pages of great brand-building ads for brands like Apple, Absolute vodka, BMW automobiles, Federal Express and more. Many of these ads contain actual ideas, full sentences in the English language, persuasion and more. 

Imagine Mark Read's face when he sees you harkening back to a bygone era when clients bought and agencies ran effective work in paid media!!! You'll be on the unemployment line just in time for New Years!

Just $49.99 at the Ad Aged gift shop. Ability to read required. Not responsible for terminations, furloughing or career obsolescence. Professional creative, closed-course.


Tell me a story. You've heard it and heard it and heard it. We're all story-tellers now. The pressure is almost unbearable. You can no longer talk about how plastic wrap keeps food fresher, longer. No. You need to tell a story about it. Something Homeric and moving that reaffirms exactly what it means to be Post-Human™ in the Post-Human world we live in.

Fortunately, you've got the story maker. Pre-heat your cranium to 80-degrees Fahrenheit and get "story-ing." 

Find yourself suddenly typing: "We open on a young girl at the breakfast table. We notice she has just one leg and is blind in one eye. 

"Cut to her plate of eggs. We see her pushing the scramble aimlessly on her plate. She obviously doesn't want to eat. Her father, stern and seemingly inattentive enters the scene.

"What's the matter little one-legged half-blind daughter?"

We see a single tear roll down her face. Cut to dad, a single tear rolls down his.

"I'm not hungry," she answers plaintively. "These aren't Eggland's best eggs farm-fresh monthly from a free-range chicken's ass."

A smile dances on dad's lips.

"We can wrap them up," he says.

Cut to CU of Saran Wrap package and tag.

"Save it f'later."

Stories like this are easy with the Story-teller-teller kit. Complete with buzzwords, jargon and meaningless phrases, inhuman and clunky dialogue that mentions the product in the first seven-seconds and more. 

This Christmas, get your hack back. 

Just $14.99 at the Ad Aged gift shop. Bad creative direction and additional copy for two-minute behind-the-scenes web video not included. Client feedback at additional cost.


Meet the Meeting Master. He drones on and on. Oblivious to his own banality. Reveling like a nymph in the cool crisp waters of his own flowing cliches. 

He's just used the word "journey." And "scalable." And now he's talking about a "robust, scalable journey to a customer-centric nexus." It's 11PM, you've been stuck in this unventilated conference room for a 45-minute stand-up since 5PM. 

Fortunately, you've got the Meeting Master. Soft, plush, breathable and cushioning, the Meeting Master covers both your eyes and both your ears. In just moments you'll be drifting away to your own thoughts and dreams. 

The Meeting Master's sophisticated PPCT™--powerpoint canceling technology--filters out up to 97% of all advertising pomposity. That six-hour meeting that starts at 6PM? With the Meeting Master, you'll be out of there by 11:15. Taxi!

Just $89.99 at the Ad Aged gift shop. Subscription to Meeting Master's "The best of the worst," recorded meetings available for a small monthly fee.

The Classic. Revisted. You know and love "Ogilvy on Advertising." Now it's been revised, revamped and re-moved by people who know nothing about either Ogilvy or Advertising. Think of it as your single most valuable guide to the Ad Industry's Vulture Capitalist era.

In its 168-pages you'll learn top secrets on how to see revenue plummet by 40% and still revel in your own promotions and...self-promotions. You'll find out how a single agency can have six-to-eight CEOs and former CEOs all getting eight-figure salaries all on the payroll--decades after they've stopped working. You'll discover the ins-and-outs of alienating clients. 

There's more. Find out why Martin Sorrell--the ousted CEO who still owns 2% of WPP is still being paid over half-a-million dollars a year. See who's getting bonuses and pay raises though salaries have been "frozen." Meet the high-ranking employees  who have risen to the top without ever having built a single brand or created a single ad!

Learn the master's tips for decimating the workforce, killing morale and going 39-months without being invited into a single significant new business opportunity.

This is a rip-snorting of a book that the entire industry is reading. Especially the biggest reader of them all, Mark.

Just $189.99 at the Ad Aged gift shop. Public school English accent, client alienation, employee attrition and lack of a viable future not included.

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